Sarah was reading a newspaper while her husband was engrossed in a game on TV. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this, there's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to
swap his wife for a season tickets."
"Hmmm," her husband said, not bothering to look away.
Sarah said teasingly, "Would you swap me for season tickets?"
"Absolutely not," he said, "season's more than half over."

HOW TO GET A MAN'S ATTENTION Tim Allen

To get a man's attention, just stand in front of the TV and don't move. He'll talk to you. I promise.
"C'mon, Honey. Really, Honey. Honey!" A real man will just sit there and wait for you to step aside. If you don't, eventually he'll say, "What? All right, what? I'm sitting here, okay? I'm listening!"
Another way to get his attention is to fool around with his stereo equipment. Or mess around with the car. Adjusting the timing chain is a good one. If he has a tool pegboard, remove a tool and hide it somewhere special. Within a day he'll notice that it's gone and come right to you. Be prepared though, He will be cranky.
More attention getters: scratch the paint on his car, throw out his favorite sweatshirt, or punch him in the stomach when he's not looking. His expression alone will be priceless.

The finalist has been named in the worldwide search for the perfect man. After careful consideration and endless debate, The Perfect Man has been named....MR. POTATO HEAD.
He's tan. He's cute. He knows the importance of accessorizing. And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face.

NEGATIVITY BAD FOR RELATIONSHIPS By Jim Morelli, RPh WebMD Medical News

Nov. 1, 2000 -- She's bad for me. He's good for me. A new study shows there may be something to those relational statements.

In the latest issue of the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, British and American researchers find that individual personality has a lot to do with couple happiness, but in surprising, complex, and gender-specific ways.

"Our basic finding, which seems to replicate across a wide range of studies, is that the tendency to experience and express negative emotions is more important in relationships than any other personality trait," says study author Richard W. Robins, Ph.D., of the University of California, Davis.

After looking at 360 couples in various states of union -- dating, living together, and married -- Robins and the other researchers make one overall conclusion: Negative personality traits are among the most toxic pieces of baggage partners drag in to a relationship.

Women tend to be poisoned most by negatively aggressive men, and men by hostile or unfriendly women -- or those who get emotional when stressed. That said, however, the authors' suggest negative people are their own worst enemies, in that their grim personalities color their view of the relationship more than they affect their partners'

The news is a bit different when it comes to positive personality traits. The researchers find, as might be expected, that two positive people make for a harmonious union. But women get more out of having a positive partner than men do. Put another way, a man with a happy partner doesn't necessarily become happy (nor necessarily does a woman). But the researchers conclude that the happiness of women in relationships is more likely to be affected by the man's personality -- no matter what it is -- than vice versa. Only when women are negative does it significantly rub off on the male partners.

There is a hitch to all these conclusions: Very few of the couples studied were hitched. In fact, just 7% were married. The rest were almost evenly split between daters and cohabitators.

Plus, the couples were young. The mean age of the women was less than 21. The men, on average, were about 22.

"This is not really a study which can draw conclusions about marriages between people in their 30s, 40s, and 50s," says Dennis Shulman, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and director of the National Training Program in Contemporary Psychoanalysis in New York. "You ask a 20-year-old something and a 40-year-old the same thing and you're going to get a very different answer."

QUOTE: "My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It's titled: 'Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong.'"

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"
Five small voices answered in unison. "You do, Daddy!"

KIDS ON MARRIAGE

1. How does a person decide whom to marry?
   Answer: "No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God

decides it all way before, and you got to find out later who you’re stuck with." Kirsten,

age 10)

2. How can a stranger tell if two people are married?

Answer: "You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." (Derrick, age 8)

3. What do you think your mom and dad have in common?

Answer: "Both don’t want no more kids." (Lori, age 8)

4. Is it better to be married or single?

What would you suggest to make a marriage work?
Answer: "Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck!" (Ricky, 7)

As a senior at St. Cloud State University in Minnesota, I often engage women psychology majors in heated discussions about male-female relationships. Once, my friend Shelly and I got into a hot debate about whether men or women make the larger sacrifice of their respective gender characteristics when they get married. To my surprise, Shelly agreed with me that men give up far more than women.
"You're right, Steve," she said. "Men generally give up doing their cleaning, their cooking, their grocery shopping, their laundry..."

QUOTE: "Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked." -Unknown

At a wedding rehearsal, the minister told the father of the bride, "As you give your daughter's hand to the bridegroom, you should say something nice to him."
The father, a grocery-store manager, took the advice. During the wedding ceremony, he placed the bride's hand on his son-in-law's arm and said, "No deposit, no return."

Tom had proposed to young Maureen and was being interviewed by his prospective father-in-law.
"Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?" father asked the suitor.
"Yes sir", replied Tom, "I'm sure I am."
"Think carefully now," said the older man warningly. "There are twelve of us!"

I was escorted to a wedding by my twenty-four-year-old bachelor son. He appeared unaffected by the ceremony until the bride and groom lighted a single candle with their candles and then blew out their own. With that he brightened and whispered, "I've never seen that done before."
I whispered back, "You know what it means, don't you?"
"No more old flames?"

WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO OUT?
My Parents had not been out together in quite some time.
One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her. "Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked.
Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!"
They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of it that Dad confessed. His question had actually been directed to the family dog, lying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.

A backslider suddenly began attending church faithfully on Sunday mornings instead of going fishing. The pastor was highly gratified and told him, "How wonderful it makes me feel to see you at services with your good wife!"
"Well, Preacher," said the fisherman, "it's a matter of choice. I'd rather hear your sermon than hers."

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read: "I'm the Boss!" He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

"WHO WEARS THE PANTS IN YOUR FAMILY?" 2000 Internet survey

Survey Says... Men said: I do - 89% She does - 11%

LEGAL RIGHT TO TRY – Ann Landers

A marriage license is not a guarantee that the marriage is going to work, any more than a fishing license assures that you’ll catch fish. It merely gives you the legal right to try

QUOTE: Even if marriages are made in heaven, man has to be responsible for the maintenance. James C. Dobson Christian Reader, Vol. 32, no.3

Statistics show that despite the conflicts, married people are generally happier, live longer, and contribute more to society than those who remain single or leave a spouse.

Citation: Harold L. Myra, Marriage Partnership, Vol. 5, No. 1

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN LONGER WITHOUT HER Bob Russell

Mary Francis Meyers died today, a great woman in our church. Her husband, Ken, died 2 or 3 years ago. I’ll never forget being in the fireside room when they celebrated their 50^th wedding anniversary. I said, "Ken, 50 years is a long time."

He immediately responded: "Not nearly as long as it would have been without her."

BECAUSE YOU’RE MARRIED TO HER Glenn E. Schaeffer, Christian Reader 9/97

During a children’s sermon one Sunday morning, I held up an ugly looking summer shirt that I wore occasionally around the house. I explained to the children that someone said the shirt was ugly and should be thrown away.

"This really hurt me," I explained. "I’m having trouble forgiving the person who said those mean things. Do you think I should forgive that person?" I asked the children.

Immediately, my 6 year old daughter, Alicia, raised her hand. "Yes, you should," she said without hesitation.

"But why? The person hurt my feelings," I responded.

To which Alicia wisely responded: "Because you’re married to her."

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association. It was great."
"Wow! What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"

"Take her?" "Yes." "Take him?" "Yes." "Took." You have just heard the transcript from the world's shortest wedding ceremony. It took place in a bar on a Friday PM at 8:00. The couple had met there the previous Friday PM. On Monday they decided to get married. Arranged for a JOP to meet them at the exact place and time and requested "the shortest ceremony legally possible." The JOP came up with these seven words ...

This story illustrates how little our culture values ceremony

I’M SORRY from Dickibus, as posted on "Just Too Funny" back in 1997
One Sunday, the minister preached on the topic of "How to Have a Good Christian Marriage". He said that there were three all important keys.

1. You have to remember to say "I'm sorry"
2. You have to remember to say "I Love You"
3. You have to promise that you will never do it (whatever it is/was) again

After church a man arrived home and his wife asked what the sermon was about. The man said, "I'm sorry I love you, and I promise never to do it again."

"A recent survey revealed that the average man buys his wife flowers five times a year. What would you like your husband to bring to you tonight?"

One evening a man and his wife called another couple to see what they were doing. "Oh," said the other wife, "we’re just drinking coffee and talking." As she hung up the phone, she demanded, "Why don’t we ever do that? They’re just drinking coffee and talking." Her husband said, "So make a pot of coffee." They sat with their freshly brewed coffee, just staring at each other in silence. "Well, call them back," he directed, "and find out what they’re talking about."

CUTTING OFF CIRCULATION - R.Digest Feb. 2000 – Marilyn Ware

Soon after we were married, my husband, Paul, stopped wearing his wedding band. "Why don’t you ever wear your ring?" I asked.

"It cuts off my circulation." Paul replied.

"I know," I said, "It’s supposed to."

A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom saying to himself, "How can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we dated, but she's bound to find out sooner or later."
Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "How do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting,
but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out."
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to
hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to make."

And she says, "So have I, love."
To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."

1. She needs the stability and direction of a spiritual leader
2. She needs to know that she is meeting basic vital needs in your life that no other woman can meet.
3. She needs to see and hear that you cherish her and that you delight in her as a person.
4. She needs to know that you understand her by protecting her in areas of her limitation.
5. She needs to know that you enjoy setting aside quality time for intimate conversation with her.
6. She needs to know that you are aware of her presence even when your mind is on other matters.
7. She needs to see that you are making investments in her life that will expand and fulfil her life.

TEAMWORK AND WATER Bits & Pieces 4/2/92

One of two partners in a business was frustrated because it seemed to him that he was doing twice as much work as the other man. One day, he had lunch with another friend and unburdened on him his frustration.

"See this glass of water?" said the friend. "It’s made up of two parts hydrogen and one part oxygen – H2O. Any other mix is something else. In water, hydrogen and oxygen work together, but hydrogen has to do twice the work. That’s why all the planets we know about are barren. That teamwork between hydrogen and oxygen doesn’t exist."

I heard of a woman who was at a social gathering of some ladies. When it came time to leave, she found her car door was locked and her keys were in the ignition. Knowing that she had an appointment in an hour, she reluctantly went in the house and called her husband. He had to leave in the middle of an important meeting at work and drive 20 miles to the house.
While the ladies were waiting they realized that the passenger door was unlocked. Her friend looked at her and said, "What are you going to do?" She replied, "I'm gonna do what any decent wife would do." So she reached in, locked the door and slammed it shut!

PICK UP THE PEN FOR ME R.Digest 10/99 p. 142 Soledad Bowling, Roanoke VA

A couple we know were in Lamaze class, where they had an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand – to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn’t feel so bad."

The teacher then dropped a pen and asked him to pick it up. "You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant?" he asked.

"Exactly," replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."

A reporter covering a golden wedding anniversary celebration asked the husband the inevitable question: "To what do you attribute your longevity and apparent good health?"
"When my wife and I were first married," answered the old man, "we made a pact that would ensure harmony. We decided that if we ever became involved in an argument, I would leave the house and go for a walk to give us both an opportunity to cool off."

With a sigh the man continued, "And I’ve been living an outdoor life ever since."

Henry Ford, founder of the Ford empire, was a hard-working simple man. At his 50^th wedding anniversary he was asked by a reporter, "How do you account for your happy marriage?"

The Ford king did not hesitate for a moment before he replied, "By sticking to one model."

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald’s. He noticed that they ordered one meal and an extra cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries – one for him, one for her – until each had half of them.

Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hand s folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, "Oh no, we’ve been married 50 years and everything has always been – and always will be – shared 50/50."

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It’s his turn with the teeth."

I heard about a wife who had a terribly rough day with her 3 small children, all day and they had been terrible. Her husband got home about 5:30 that evening and before he could sit down, she lit in on him about the children’s behavior.

He came back with – she’s at home, and it’s her fault that they act like that. Their argument grew in intensity and loudness. Finally after 2 hours of fussing and fighting, the husband said, "I’ll tell you what, let’s start the whole evening over again. "I’ll go back outside and come in again and we’ll start over."

She agreed. He went outside on the porch and turned around, came back to the door, opened it and called out, "Honey, I’m home."

To which she replied: "It’s about time. It’s 7:30. Where have you been for the last 2 hours?"

TATTOOS ARE PERMANENT R.Digest 4/99 p. 129 by Sallie G. Touhey

While my hairdresser was cutting my hair, she was conversing with the 19 year old beautician in the next booth. The young woman was trying to decide if she should marry her boyfriend, who was contemplating getting a tattoo with her name. "Marriage is one thing," my hairdresser told her, "but a tattoo is permanent!"

There’s a difference between intelligence & wisdom. For example, intelligence is when you spot the flaw in your wife’s reasoning. Wisdom is when you refrain from correcting her.

QUOTE: Let the wife make her husband glad to come home, and let him make her sorry to see him leave. – Martin Luther

FACTS ABOUT MARRIAGE & DIVORCE John Maxwell in Building a Foundation for the Family (Sermon)

One out of three marriages end in divorce.

One out of 50 marriages end in divorce if the couple had a church wedding.

One out of 105 marriages end in divorce if the couple attended church regularly.

One out of 1105 marriages end in divorce if the couple attended church regularly and had

One of my treasured memories comes from a doughnut shop in Grand Saline, Texas. There was a young farm couple sitting at the table next to mine. He was wearing overalls and she a gingham dress. After finishing their doughnuts, he got up to pay the bill and I noticed she didn’t get up to follow him.

But then he came back and stood in front of her. She put her arms around his neck, and he lifted her up, revealing that she was wearing a full body brace. He lifted her out of her chair and backed out the front door to the pick up truck, with her hanging from his neck.

As he gently put her into the truck, everyone in the shop watched. No one said anything until a waitress remarked, almost reverently, "He took his vows seriously."

ON THE ADVANTAGE OF MARRIAGE OVER LIVING TOGETHER by Mary Roach from Health quoted in Digest12/98 p. 162ff

I used to balk at the idea of life long fidelity. But what did I gain for my decade and a half of relative freedom? (living with a man for 13 years) The heart leaping off a cliff and flying through the air. And shortly thereafter, hitting the ground. Heart pulp. Guilt and regret. The knowledge that by refusing to commit myself to a relationship, I destroyed it.

Something else I failed to grasp is that all marriages are group marriages. I am marrying a man; his delightful, beautiful children; his warm, welcoming parents; his sister; his cousins; their families. A whole clan of hearts and minds that wants me to sign on. What could be more wonderful.

My own family was small and cut off, a lone asteroid out of orbit. Growing up, I had no grandparents and never got to know my aunts and uncles. Marriage is a second chance to belong.

Would I belong if we simply lived together? Past experience says, not really. To share a house with someone but marry sends a message – to him, to our families, to everyone. It says, I love this man, but I’m not sure he is it. That’s a message I don’t wish to send anymore.

Of course, no marriage comes with guarantees. But you have to go into it believing, heart laid bare and eyes amist, that this is it, for better and worse, richer and poorer, liver spots and arthritis. If you do this, the what-ifs of divorce are moot.

Then there’s the unshifting and unignorable fact that, without exception, the people I love most are married, or would like to be. There must be something to this.

At times I used to think that the people who wanted me to marry simply wanted me to be yoked. Stop having adventures, they were saying, be bored and predictable like us.

Now I think they wanted me married because they wished me well. They wanted me to have reason to stay home.

DO YOU THINK I LOOK STUPID? Sarah Moore, Digest12/98 p.76

Our daughter maintained her pencil slim figure until her mid-40’s, when she suddenly noticed she had gained some weight. Looking in the mirror, she asked her husband, "Joe, do you think I look fat?"

Without a moment’s hesitation, he replied, "Do you think I look stupid?"

Tired of hearing that "Men are from Mars, Women from Venus" stuff? Then you’d better pass on this one. A Carvel Ice Cream survey asked 1,500 American mall shoppers what they wish for the most when they blow out their birthday candles. The answers offer some intriguing - if not troubling - insight into the gender gap.

1. Lower golf score.

2. Porsche

3. Weight loss

4. Favorite team championship

5. Plastic surgery

(No. 23: More time with spouse.)

1. More time with spouse

2. Money

3. Children’s well-being

4. Chocolate

5. Plastic surgery

LOVING HER MORE THAN THE NBA Alan Morris R. Digest 10/97 p. 104

My friend don is an avid basketball fan. When I was at his house recently, he was talking nonstop about various teams. At one point, Don's wife snuggled closer to him and asked, "Do you love me more than basketball?"

Don paused, and then said, "College or NBA?"

SHOPPING IS OVER Suzanne Atkinson r.digest 10/97 p. 104

Recently heard over a department store PA system: "Mary Jones, your husband is waiting for you at the customer service desk. Your shopping time is now over."

WITH THIS RING Charles Panati in Sacred Origins of Profound Things (Penguin)

The Christian custom of placing a wedding ring on the 3rd finger began with the Greeks, through carelessness in cataloging human anatomy. Greek physicians in the 3rd century B.C. believed that a certain vein, the "vein of love," ran from the 3rd finger directly to the heart. It became a logical digit to carry a ring symbolizing an affair of the heart.

Early Christians continued this ring finger practice, but worked their way across the hand to the vein of love. In the Trinitarian formula, a groom first placed the ring on the tip of the bride's index finger, praying "in the name of the Father," moved it to her middle finger saying, "in the name of the Son," and finally, with the words "and of the Holy Spirit, Amen," he slipped the ring on the to the third finger.

A businessman taking a seminar on efficiency, completed a case study of his wife's routine for fixing breakfast, and presented the results to the class. "After a few days of observation, I quickly determined the practices that were robbing her of precious time and energy." the man reported. "Taking note of how many trips she made from the kitchen to the dining room carrying just one item, I suggested that in the future, she carry several items at a time."

"Did it work?" the teacher asked.

"It sure did," replied the businessman. "Instead of taking her 20 minutes to fix my breakfast, it now takes me just seven."

Lowell Thomas related the story of a 52 year old psychologist/psychoanalyst named Doctor Negri who had ended up in a divorce court in Los Angeles, California. It seems that before his marriage to a woman 30 years his junior, he had not just courted her, but had attempted to mold and guide her thoughts so that she would become the "perfect wife."

It appears that after they were married, she fell far short of his expectations: she refused to wash dishes, sweep the house and had often left the doctor to tend to the baby.

His wife charged that he was by no means perfect himself. Although he made over $10,000 a year, he gave her only 25 cents a day for spending money.

Man was asked by his friend if he told his wife everything. "No," he replied, "what she doesn't know won't hurt me."

Newlywed (1 year of marriage) was asked by her friend if she and her husband had had any arguments. "No," she said, "when ever there is a difference of opinion, and I'm right, he just gives in." The friend was impressed, "but what happens when he's right?" "That's never come up," gushed the bride.

THE VALUE OF A WIFE Bishop Taylor

"If you are for pleasure, marry; if you prize rosy health, marry. A good wife is heaven's last best gift to a man; his angel of mercy; minister of graces innumerable; his gem of many virtues; her voice, his sweetest music; her smiles, his brightest day; her kiss, the guardian of innocence; her arms, the pale of his safety; the balm of his health, the balsam of his life; her industry, his surest wealth; her economy, his safest steward; her lips, his faithful counselors; her bosom, his softest pillow of his cares; and her prayers, the ablest advocates of Heaven's blessing on his head."

The ears: A piano has 88 keys, but each of your ears has a keyboard with 1500 keys. They are so finely tuned that you can hear the blood running through your vessels. The outside of your ear can catch up to 73,700 vibrations per second

My wife used to think I needed my hearing checked... there's nothing wrong with my hearing... I just don't listen to her... there's something else that has caught my attention that I regard as being more important.

* Tulsa World, August 21, 1977 quoted a Dr. Bane to say that divorce was a "safety valve for families. "It makes for better family life," she said. "There's no merit in holding a marriage together just for the sake of it. For this reason, divorce improves the quality of marriages."

* A popular divorce book of the 70's proclaimed "The parents who take care of themselves (i.e. get divorced from difficult marriages) will best able to take care of their children."

* In 1993, Hallmark cards had a couple of greeting cards aimed at the recently divorced: "Think of your former marriage as a record album. It was full of music - both happy and sad. But what's important now is - YOU! the recently released HOT, NEW SINGLE! You're going to be at the TOP OF THE CHARTS!"

Another card carried this message "Getting divorced can be healthy! Watch how it improves your circulation."

I'LL JUST LIE STILL from a gravestone

Here beneath this sod we lie

Back to back, my wife & I

And when the angels trump shall trill

If she gets up, then I'll lie still

MAKEOVER IN NURSERY R.Digest 3/97 p. 85 Lael H. Wilson, Texas

My husband and I, both in our late 50s, recently visited a new church and sat behind a couple with a wiggly 5 year old daughter. After enduring the girl's restlessness as long as she could, the mother took her daughter's hand and led her back to the back of the church where they entered a door marked "Nursery."

Later I was surprised to see the mother return to her seat holding not the five year old, but a tiny baby instead. My husband leaned over to me and whispered, "Maybe I ought to take you back there."

QUOTE Preacher to groom at wedding ceremony: "It's 'I do,' young man... not 'whatever.'"

PRACTICING TO BE A HUSBAND R.Digest 8/96 p. 142

Because my son had frequent ear infections as an infant, his delayed speech as a toddler made me worry that he had suffered hearing loss. But after examining Donald, the doctor assured me nothing was wrong. "Don't worry," he said. "He's just practicing to be a husband someday."

PICTURE PERFECT R.Digest 6/96 p. 238

My 4th grade class was working on Father's Day cards to accompany the gifts they had made. I suggested that the students might illustrate the cards with a favorite activity or something their father liked a lot - golf or fishing, for example.

Suddenly Gus raised his hand. "May I draw a picture of my mother?" he asked. "My dad really likes her a lot."

SPOUSAL GIFT FOR GIFT R.Digest 5/96 p. 84

My father is a successful cardiologist but his busy practice and long hours left my mother with a lot of spare time. So she decided to become a substitute teacher.

At the end of her first month on the job, she bought my father a new watch. "Honey, I just spent my whole month's salary on a gift for you," she said. "Now it's your turn to do the same."

FALLING OUT OF STUPID R.Digest 12/96 p.65 (Linda E. Barbour)

During a friendly argument, my husband asked me why I married him in the first place. "I was just stupid," I teased. When he said he was happy to hear that, I requested an explanation.

"People get divorced all the time because they fall out of love," he said. "But I've never heard of anybody falling out of stupid."

HE SAYS... SHE SAYS Focus on the Family Dec. 1996 - Adapted from Now We're Talking by Robert C. and Pamela Crosby

* When she says: "We need" She means: "I want"

"Do what you want" "You'll pay for this later"

"Sure... go ahead" "I don't want you to do that"

"The kitchen is so inconvenient" "I want a new house"

"The trash is full" "Take it out!"

"Nothing is wrong" "Everything is wrong"

"I don't want to talk about it" "Go away. I'm still building up steam"

"Am I fat?" "Tell me I'm beautiful"

"You have to learn to communicate" "Just agree with me"

"Are you listening?" "Too late. You're dead."

"It's too expensive" "You could get a neat computer for that!"

"It's a beautiful day" "It's too hot to do yard work!"

"I have a surprise" "I bought something stupid"

"Why don't you get a job" "You bought something really stupid"

"You can't mow the lawn when it's wet" "There's a game on the tube."

* Make sure you have time to listen. She can tell when you really interested and when you are merely humoring her.

* A woman needs to know that a man is genuinely listening.. .listening with his heart and not trying to figure out how to "fix" her problem.

* She needs to feel free to share her opinion and to help her husband understand without him being frustrated or angry.

* A woman needs to feel valued by her husband beyond all of his human relationships.

* A woman values relational moments far more than occupational achievements.

* A woman is deeply affirmed when a man makes a noticeable effort hear her heart.

* When men become uncaring or distant toward you, it is usually because they're afraid of something.

* Men tend to "report" more than converse. Just listen to a man on the phone. Usually, his comments are brief. utilitarian and to the point. "Ok... got it... be there at 8... see you soon."

* Men are more motivated to achieve goals than to absorb moments.

* Men fear nothing more than failure.

* Men are motivated by feeling significant.

* Men want to manage their own problems and be "Mr. Fix-It!"

* Men want to "get to the bottom line."

MARRIAGE LICENSE FOR ONLY 30 DAYS??? R.Digest 2\96 p. 89

My niece and her fiancée were at Town Hall, applying for their marriage license. After they filled out all the papers, the clerk said, "This license is good for 30 days."

"No, you don't understand," replied the nervous groom-to-be. 'We want one that's 'till death do us part."'

BRIDE GETS HER PICK? R.Digest 2/96 p. 89

Our six-year-old, daughter was thrilled to attend her first wedding ceremony. She intently watched the preacher, the groom and his three groomsmen take their places up front. Then I directed her attention to the back of the church to see the bride make her grand entrance. Awestruck, she couldn't take her eyes off the bride as she walked to the altar. "Dad:" she whispered to me, "does she get to take her pick?"

ANSWERS TO DIVORCE (Divorce Has Never Been God's Plan Matt. 19:8)

Seven Suggestions:

1. If you desire a Christian home and family, then do not even consider marrying someone who

is not a Christian.

2. If your parents violently object to your choice: delay getting married until you have had time to convince them of his/her character. Like it or not, you marry a person's family.

3. Do not many someone who drinks, even if drinking is "just for fun." Remember, drinking/drunkenness is one of the chief causes for divorce.

4. Watch how your potential mate's parents treat each other. Remember that they have been his/her model. The way they treat each other will probably be the way you will be treated.

5. Can you manage your finances? A person who cannot manage his money when single will not change when married. Many divorces are caused by "money troubles."

6. Is he/she truthful? Marriage is built on trust. If you do not have complete confidence in the person, don't marry him/her.

7. A good test of a person's ability to get along with others is in his/her job

JUSTIFYING DIVORCE BY TWISTING SCRIPTURE -The Evangelical Beacon 11/1/80

One can twist the Scriptures to find justification for his evil action. That is exactly what a woman did when she divorced her husband. She wanted to justify herself, so she went to her pastor and said:

"The Bible says, 'put off the old man whose ways are corrupt' (Ephesians 4:22)"

BEATITUDES FOR MARRIED COUPLES Author Unknown

1. Blessed are the Husband and Wife who continue to be affectionate, considerate and loving

2. Blessed are the Husband and Wife who are as polite and courteous to

one another as they are to their friends.

3. Blessed are they who have a sense of humor, for this attitude will be a handy shock absorber.

4. Blessed are the married couples who abstain from alcoholic beverages.

5. Blessed are they who love their mates more than any other person in the world, and who

joyfully fulfill their marriage vow of a life-time of fidelity and mutual helpfulness.

6. Blessed are they who remember to thank God for their food before they partake of it, and who

set aside some time each day for the reading of the Bible and prayer.

7. Blessed are they who attain parenthood, for children are the heritage of the Lord.

8. Blessed are those mates who never speak loudly to each other and who make their home a

place "where seldom is heard a discouraging word."

9. Blessed are the Husband and Wife who can work out their problems of adjustment without

interference from relatives.

10. Blessed are the Husband and Wife who faithfully attend the worship service of the Church

for the advancement of Christ's kingdom.

11. Blessed is the couple who have a complete understanding about financial matters and who

have worked our perfect partnership with all the money under control of both.

12. Blessed are the Husband and Wife who humbly dedicate their lives and their home to Christ

(Read the 5th chapter of Ephesians, Colossians 3:12-19 and I Peter 3:1-9)

TEN FACTS ABOUT MARRIAGE (Mal. 2:13-17) Calvin White

1. The Lord witnesses our vows to our marriage partner and holds us to it.

"The Lord has been a witness between you and the wife of your youth" (v. 14).

2. Marriage is a covenant. " She is your companion and wife by covenant" (v. 14). A covenant

is a legally binding contract. In this case, it is enforced by the laws of God. It is a covenant of God ( Prov. 2:17).

3. Time does not modify the covenant of marriage. The passing of time and the altering

of circumstances do not change the initial pledge of love and loyalty nor release marriage partners from their contract. Vows made to the wife of your youth" (vs. 14, 15 ) continue to be binding with the passage of time.

4. No one with even a remnant of the Spirit of God will seek to destroy his/her marriage. "Not one has done so who has a remnant of the Spirit" (v. l5). One who is filled with the Spirit will not act devoid of righteousness toward God and decency toward others even in respect to his/her marriage.

5. One who causes his/her marriage to end in divorce acts with treachery. "You have dealt treacherously" (v.14, 15). The ugliness of divorce is seen in comparing the guilty partner to one not to be trusted, one not faithful, a traitor. (rest is following next article)

6. The destruction of one's marriage is a painful experience. The wives who have been divorced are described as laying their troubles before God in the sanctuary, covering the altar with tears, weeping and groaning until the fire is extinguished (v. 13).

7.The one who causes his/her marriage to be destroyed jeopardize his/her relationship with God. " . .. He (God) no longer regards the offering or accepts it with favor from your hand" (v. 13, 14). Why? You have divorced your marriage partner!

8. Destroying one's marriage engulfs one with evil. " . . . covers his garment with wrong" (v.16). One who causes his/her marriage to end, who ignores the marriage contract, who ignores the partner's tears and hurt and wounded feelings clothes himself/herself with an ugly spirit of wickedness.

9. God hates divorce. " 'I hate divorce', says the Lord of heaven..." (v. 16). God despises

the destruction of what is good, sacred and holy. The attitude of God should give us some indication of how grievous a matter divorce is.

10. God does not condemn the innocent. God expresses nothing but compassion and love for those who have been put away by the wicked actions of their marriage partners. The on whom God places guilt is the who causes the ending of the marriage.

SPOUSES MORE FAITHFUL THAN REPORTED Washington Watch. 10/29/93

Sensationalistic sex surveys suffered further damage with the release of new research on the fidelity of American spouses. According to a new study by Tom W. Smith of the National Opinion Research Center, roughly 15% of married or previously married Americans have committed adultery. The results largely agree with a 1987 ABC News/Washington Post poll that found 89% of spouses faithful.

However, pop culture gurus Kinsey (37% of men), Joyce Brothers (50% of women) and

Shere Hite (75% of women married five years) have stoked reports of rampant infidelity.

HOW'S THAT AGAIN? The Pinecrest Baptist Beacon, Cordele, GA

A woman went to court and told the judge she wanted a divorce. "Do you have any grounds!" the judge asked. "Just two acres," she said. "That's not it, lady. I mean do you have a grudge!" "No, we park the car in front of the house." Frustrated, the judge continued, "Does your husband beat you up!" She replied. "No, I get up before he does." "Then why do you want a divorce?" the judge asked. "Because," she confessed, "we just don't seem able to communicate. "

WANNA SWITCH SEATS? R.Digest 11/94 p. 205

Having been married a long time, my husband sometimes needs a gentle reminder of a special occasion. On the morning of our 35th anniversary, we were sitting at the breakfast table when I hinted "Honey, do you realize that we've been sitting in the same two seats for exactly 35 years?"

Putting down the newspaper, he looked straight at me and said, "So, you want to switch seats?"

HE SAYS - SHE SAYS Digest 11/94 p. 32

A Man a person who, if a woman says, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," lets her.

A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her, gets mad.

A man is a person who, if a woman says to him, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she gets mad, says, "Now what are you mad about!"

A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her, and she gets mad, and he says, "Now what are you mad about?" says, "If you don't know I'm not going to tell you."

One remarkable - if seldom remarked-benefit of marriage is that it makes kinsmen out of strangers. It unites kingdoms, settles wars, links cultures and forges bonds that otherwise are all but impossible.

When I think of the diverse individuals who have become special to me because they married a relative of mine, our educational and cultural differences shrink to insignificance. They have a call on my resources, and I on theirs, not because of any special deservedness, but because they are family.

It simply isn't true, as some insist, that "that little piece of paper doesn't make any difference." It makes a tremendous difference. Just think how differently you would regard an appeal for help from (a) your daughter's boyfriend or (b) your son-in-law. Marriage matters, and so does the fact that we are forgetting how much it matters.

WEAK ARGUMENT OF LIVING TOGETHER R.Digest 8/95 p. 162

Living together has gained a certain legitimacy in the last decade or two. Fewer eyebrows are raised at the news, and those raised don't go up as high.

Possibly it seems more romantic to believe - in the bond of the heart, not the law, that marriageless cohabitation suggests. But the most romantic act of all is to know the perils of marriage, and then to get married anyway.

Marriage, though no guarantee of permanence, at least suggests that you both really mean it. When you merely live together, you've got one foot out the door, and that foot is often not pointed toward the chapel. Living together promises nothing-and it delivers.

ROMANTIC LOVE DESCRIBED R.Digest 8/95 p. 231

Romantic Love is to married love as fireworks are to fireflies. Both light up the night and gladden the heart, but otherwise they're as different as grasshoppers and ants, motorcycles and minivans, champagne and beer. Romance is like the Fourth of July: explosions, oohs and aahs, and bright colors. The finale leaves you thrilled, exhausted, your ears ringing. The fireflies of married love, on the other hand, punctuate the dark with silent lights. Their split-second beacons are always a golden surprise. You whisper in their presence and smile. And they'll be there tomorrow night and next year, too, if only you remember to go looking for them.

SPARRING PARTNERS R.Digest 10/94 p. 40

My Wife likes to remind me that it's my job to take out the garbage. One night, after dinner I was in the tub relaxing with a good book. Soon I was interrupted by a knock on the door, and my wife entered. "What were Don Mattingly's statistics in 1984?" she asked. Thinking she'd heard the question on television, I said, ".343 batting average, 23 home runs, 110 RBIs."

"So," she replied with a smile, "how come you can't remember to take out the garbage?"

I talked to a couple who had been married 39 years. They'd been through some stormy times, but in their tenth year marriage came the bout to end all bouts. The wife got so mad she pulled her suitcase out of the bedroom closet and started packing.

"What are you doing?" her husband demanded.

"I'm leaving."

So without a word he got his suitcase and started filling it with his clothes.

"Now, what are you doing?" his wife asked, bewildered.

"If you're leaving," he told her firmly, "I'm going with you."

There was a man determined to do what it took to keep his marriage together.

Dr. Willard Harley in his book entitled His Needs, Her Needs points out the priorities of the sexes in the order of importance:

A man desires:

1. Sexual fulfillment

2. Recreational companionship

3. An attractive spouse

4. Domestic support

5. Admiration of his wife

A woman desires:

1. Affection

2. Conversation

3. Honesty and Openness

4. Financial Support

5. Family Commitment

You probably heard about the newlyweds. On their honeymoon, the groom took his bride by the hand and said, "Now that we're married, dear, I hope you won't mind if I mention a few little defects that I've noticed about you."

"Not at all," the bride replied with a deceptive sweetness. "It was those little defects that kept me from getting a better husband."

Across all ages and races, Americans who live alone die at a much higher rate. For example, divorced men in the under 65 ages group have considerably higher mortality rates for a number of diseases than their married counterparts. Their death rate is twice as high for lung cancer and strokes, three times as high for diseases related to hypertension, and seven times higher for cirrhosis of the liver.

The pastor was visiting the fourth-grade Sunday School class to talk about marriage as part of the lesson. He asked the class, "What does God say about marriage?" Immediately, one boy replied, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do."

MARRIED LOVE Robert L. Thornton in Reader's Digest 6/84, p.93

In the middle of one of my parents' more memorable disagreements, my father jumped up from the table, grabbed two sheets of paper and said to my mother, "Let's make a list of everything we don't like about each other."

Mom started writing. Dad glowered at her for a few minutes, and then wrote on his paper. She wrote again. He watched her, and every time she stopped, he would start writing again. They finally finished. "Let's exchange complaints," Dad said. They gave each other their lists.

"Give mine back," Mom pleaded when she glanced at his sheet. All down the page Dad had written : "I love you, I love you, I love you..."

PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENTS TIME 10/15\90 p. 94 ff.

Before they say "I do," more and more American couples are following the same pattern: negotiating premarital contracts that spell out what they will and will not do, or share, or pay. Such contracts are recognized in all 50 states, and matrimonial lawyers report that they are preparing 2 to 5 times as many as they did just 5 years ago, particularly among couples who make $50,000 and up.

The lingering sour taste of a failed previous marriage also prompts many couples to try to anticipate all the obstacles ahead on the next try. Interfaith couples... predetermine the religious upbringing of their children. Two income couples spell out the conditions under which they will relocate for a spouse's career. One NY City couple were so determined to divide expenses equally that their contract stipulated that they would split the $3 toll when crossing the George Washington Bridge.

Another couple itemized the ownership of 207 items, down to a $1.98 vase given to the bride by her grandmother.

...financial terms of prenuptial agreements generally hold up well in legal battles. But that does not stop angry ex-spouses from trying to challenge them. "The agreement may limit the issues but it won't prevent litigation," warns a Manhattan lawyer whose firm is handling 6 cases involving contested agreements.

If a couple decides to proceed with an agreement, lawyers advise that each partner should be represented by separate legal counsel and that several months' be allowed for negotiation. Most lawyers require full financial-disclosure statements on both sides. As further protection, some attorneys recommend that the signing be videotaped.

MAJOR CAUSE OF DIVORCE Pulpit Helps 2/1990 p. 18

The bumper sticker I saw read, "The major cause of divorce is marriage." An article in the Miami Herald, June 9, 1989, betrayed the foolishness of that claim. A recent study has shown that "trial marriage" made a marriage less permanent than following God's plan. The study showed that within 10 years of their wedding, 38% of those who lived together before marriage had divorced. On the other hand, only 27% of these who had not lived together had divorced. The researchers cautioned that this fact alone might not have made the difference. Joe Furstenberg, Jr. of the U. of Pennsylvania did conclude however, "The meaning of marriage may be different from people who cohabit and then marry than for those who just marry."

DOES LIVING TOGETHER BEFORE MARRIAGE INSURE A HAPPIER MARRIAGE? Pulpit Helps, December 1990, p. 26

The answer is a definite "NO!" In Sweden, which usually precedes the USA in social trends by 10 to 15 years, a survey was made by the National Bureau of Economic Research to see whether living together before marriage insured a happier marriage. They found an 80% higher divorce rate in this group than in the group that waited until marriage to live together. It seems that those who are committed enough to wait are committed enough to stick to the marriage.

WHAT DO THEY LOOK FOR IN A MATE Time (Special Issue) Fall 1990 p. 14

Females Males

Physically attractive..................….19% 41%

Masculine/feminine traits..........….41% 72%

Well paying jobs....................……77% 25%

Intelligent.................................…..95% 88%

Ambitious and hardworking.....….99% 86%

Faithful....................................….100% 97%

HOW DIFFICULT IS MARRIAGE TODAY Time (Special Issue) Fall 1990 p. 14

Very difficult Difficult Easy Very easy

Females 18% 56% 23% 3%

Males 22% 55% 18% 4%

MARITAL STATISTICS Time (Special Issue) Fall 1990 p.26

* An estimated 1/2 to 2/3's of women who married in the '80's will divorce.

* Couples who live together before getting married are more likely to divorce within 10 years than couples who don't.

* More women (43%) than men (31%) approve of divorce for unhappily married couples with children.

* Fewer women (37%) than men (50%) say it is better to be married than to go through life single.

* 40% of female high school seniors don't consider it very likely that they'll be married to the same person for life.

CHECK MATE R.Digest 6/90 p.80

My husband and I, sitting next to each other on the bed were having a disagreement in which neither one of us would give an inch. Realizing I was getting nowhere in the argument, I said in frustration, "You're impossible!"

He turned to me and, with a smile, responded, "No, I'm not. I'm next to impossible."

BROKEN MARRIAGES DESTROYING KIDS Dayton Daily News 12/9/90 p.14a

The 1st in-depth study of America's troubled youth reveals that 1 in 5 children under 18 has a learning, emotional, behavior, or developmental problem that researchers say can be traced to the continuing dissolution of the 2 parent family.

Nicholas Zill, the psychologist who headed the federally sponsored study, and who is head of Child Trends Inc. an organization that studies social changes affecting children, said 2 factors in contemporary society are contributing to the increase in childhood psychological disorders.

The most important involves family dynamics: the increasing number of children who experience their parents' divorce, are born outside of marriage, or are raised in conflict-filled families or low-income, low-education, single parent households, Zill said.

MARKING LOVE ON A CALENDAR R.Digest 5/90 p.178

One day I walked up behind my wife of 19 years and whispered into her ear, "I love you." Without saying a word, she went over and marked it on the calendar.

HOW WELL DO YOU KNOW YOUR SPOUSE R.Digest 9/87 p. 130ff

History and background

1. What are your spouse's date and place of birth.

2. What was his/her worst moment as a child?

3. What was his/her proudest achievement before you met?

4. Which member of your spouse's family is he/she most fond of?

Observation

1. What color suit/dress does your spouse wear most often?

2. Within 5 pounds, how much does he/she weigh?

3. Can you recite a joke your partner told recently?

4. What was his/her most memorable romantic interlude with you (honeymoons don't count)

Likes and Dislikes

1. Which of your vacations did your spouse most enjoy?

2. What one thing do you do that most annoys your partner?

3. What does your spouse fear most?

4. What gift, from you, most pleased them?

Hopes and Dreams

1. If money were no object, what 1 thing would your spouse most want to have?

2. What is it he/she most wants for the children?

3. What would he/she like to be doing 5 years from now - either as a full-time career or avocation?

4. Does your partner believe in life after death?

FROM GETTING EVEN Leadership, summer 1983, p.95

Newspaper columnist and minister George Crane tells of a wife who came into his office full of hatred toward her husband. "I not only want to get rid of him, I want to get even. Before I divorce him, I want to hurt him as much as he has me."

Dr. Crane suggested an ingenious plan. "Go home and act as if you really loved your husband. Tell him how much he means to you. Praise him for every decent trait. Go out of your way to be as kind and considerate and generous as possible. Spare no efforts to please him, to enjoy him. After you've convinced him of your undying love and that you cannot live without him, then drop the bomb. Tell him that you're getting a divorce. That will really hurt him."

With revenge in her eyes, she smiled & exclaimed, "Beautiful, beautiful. Will he ever be surprised!"

And she did it with enthusiasm. Acting "as if," for two months she showed love, kindness, listening, giving, reinforcing, sharing.

When she didn't return, Crane called. "Are you ready now to go through with the divorce?"

"Divorce?" she exclaimed. "Never! I discovered I really do love him." Her actions had changed her feelings. Motion resulted in emotion. The ability to love is established not so much by fervent promise as often as by repeated deeds.

GET A FLAG R.Digest 4/93 p.86

Driving on a back road, I came across a road crew. A workman waved his orange flag at me and gestured that I should turn around and find another route. That evening, when I told my husband about the incident, he looked at me incredulously. "The guy waved his flag at you," he said, "and you actually listened to him?"

"Yes, of course," I replied.

"You know," he said, shaking his head, "I've got to get me a flag!

READING HER LIKE A BOOK R.Digest 4/93 p. 86

One couple was asked how they'd managed to stay together for 45 years. "I know her like a book," the husband replied.

"You may know her like a book," observed another man, "but I bet you never know what page she's on."

YOU GET BOTH SIDES R.Digest 4/93 p. 100

On a visit home from college, I found my father listening to one of the many records in his collection. "Dad," I announced, "I have a surprise for you. I'm getting married.

He congratulated me and held out a record. "Son," he said, "remember that marriage is like one of these. You get what you like on one side and take what you get on the other."

DIVORCE AND KIDS: THE EVIDENCE IS IN R.Digest 7/93 p.118ff

In 1971 Judith Wallerstein, a clinical psychologist, and her staff began interviewing middle-class children in the San Francisco area at the time their parents broke up, as well as a year later. She discovered no miraculous recovery; in fact, the children seemed to be doing worse.

The news, when Wallerstein published it in scholarly journals, was not welcome. "We got angry letters from therapists, parents and lawyers," Wallerstein wrote. "They said children are much better off being released from an unhappy marriage. Divorce, they said, is a liberating experience."

Five years after breakup, her research shows, more than a 1/3 of the children were experiencing moderate or severe depression. At 10 years a significant number appeared to be troubled, drifting, underachieving. At 15 years many, now adults, were struggling to establish strong love relationships of their own.

Not all children in the study suffered negative consequences. But in Wallerstein's cautionary words: "Divorce is deceptive. Legally it is a single event, but psychologically it is a chain of events strung through- out time that forever changes the lives of the people involved.

"In a reasonably happy intact family, "Wallerstein observes, "the child gravitates first to one parent and then to the other, using skills and attributes from each in climbing the developmental ladder." In a divorced family, children discover it's "harder to find the needed parent at needed times."

Research shows that girls in single parent families are at greater risk for precocious sexuality, teenage pregnancy, teen marriage, nonmarital birth, and divorce than are girls in 2 parent families - and this is true regardless of race or income. Also, children in disrupted families are nearly twice as likely to drop out of high school. Boys are at a greater risk for dropping out than girls and are more prone to aggressive behavior.

Psychologist Nicholas Zill set out in 1976 to track a large sample of children of divorce, ages 7 to 11. Zill notes that "the majority of young people from disrupted families enjoy reasonable relationships with their mothers." Nevertheless most show maladjustment in their relationships with their fathers.

Since most children live with their mothers after divorce, one might expect that the mother child bond would even be strengthened. Yet research shows that only 1/2 the children whose mothers were protective before a divorce maintained that kind of relationship after the divorce. Moreover, the mother child relationships deteriorated over time.

According to demographers David Eggebeen and Daniel Lichter of Pennsylvania State University, nationally, over 70% of juveniles in state reform institutions come from homes without both parents present. Family breakup is thought to be an important source of high crime rates in the nation's cities. And, according to one study, its influence is independent of race and income.

VISITING HIS OWN WIFE R.Digest 12/78 p.47

It was the Sunday before Christmas, and our young new preacher was sharing with the congregation the somewhat ambitious goal he had set for himself the previous December: to visit every church family in their homes before the year ended. Apologizing for not quite achieving his aim, he asked that anyone desiring a visit before year's end please raise his hand.

We all looked as one person raised her hand. It was his wife!

YOU ARE HOME R.Digest 8/93 p. 90

We were visiting friends when they received a phone call from their recently married daughter. After several tense minutes on the phone, the mother told the father to pick up the extension. The newlyweds had had their 1st big fight.

In a few moments, the father rejoined and tersely explained, "She said she wanted to come home."

"What did you tell her?" I asked.

"Told her she was home.

THE MANAGED HUSBAND R.Digest 12/71 p. 280

Interviewed on the subject of women's lib, a New York woman said, "I'm happy. I like being my husband's slave. I can manage him better that way"

SMOTHERING HER HUSBAND? R.Digest 10/93 p. 92

The speaker at our women's club was lecturing on marriage and asked the audience how many of us wanted to "mother" our husbands. One member in the back row raised her hand.

"You do want to 'mother' your husband? the speaker asked.

"Mother?" the woman echoed. "I thought you said 'smother.'"

YOU ARE A SAINT R.Digest 10/93 p. 94

I operate a gift shop and information center at the Shrine of St. Joseph of the Mountains in Yarnell, Ariz. A group of visitors listened intently as described the history of the shrine. "Are you a nun?" asked one woman.

"No," I replied, laughing, "I have been happily married to the same man for 50 years."

"Then you are a saint!"

MARRIAGE IS A BOX R.Digest 10/93 p. 201 J. Allan Petersen

Most people get married believing a myth - that marriage is a beautiful box full of all the things they have longed for: companionship, sexual fulfillment, intimacy, friendship. The truth is that marriage, at the start, is an empty box. You must put in something before you can take anything out. There is no love in marriage; people have to infuse it into their marriages.

A couple must learn the art and form the habit of giving, loving, serving, praising - keeping the box full. If you take out more than you put in the box will be empty.

BUILDING ON THE POSITIVES OF MARRIAGE R.Digest 1973

All too often marriages fail because partners focus on what's wrong with their life together rather than on what's right with it.

Condensed from Christian Herald - Norman M. Lobsenz

Show an optimistic a half glass of water and he'll likely say that it's "half-full", while a pessimist will call it "half-empty." Similarly, how a husband or wife sees a situation can make all the difference between making a marital problem out of it, or turning it into an opportunity to express love.

One woman I know was distressed by her husband's chronic thoughtlessness. Immersed in business affairs, he seldom even remembered her birthday. "I could have tried to force him into changing his ways," she said, "but it only seemed to me that this would only make matters worse. Instead, I waited for the first chance I had to praise him for some small act of thoughtfulness. When he finally brought home a book I had asked for four times, I thanked him as if it were a diamond necklace! He looked at me oddly, but I could see he was pleased. I did this a few more times, and gradually he began to want to think about me because he enjoyed being appreciated."

Without realizing it, this woman was trying out a new approach in marriage counseling called, "building on the positives." When marriage gets into trouble, many people obsessively focus all their energy and attention on the "problem" causing their difficulties. Yet it can often be far more saving at times to concentrate on the positive feelings that brought the marriage partners together in the first place. Take the couple referred by the divorce court to a professional skilled in this on sense approach. When both husband and wife fired off a barrage of complaints, the counselor kept turning the conversation so that the couple had to mention the good things between them; the qualities they had first admired in each other, the deeper pleasures they had shared, the goals they had mutually tried to reach. "You could almost see the antagonisms gradually draining away." he said. After a few more meetings with him, the couple agreed to give their marriage a second chance.

I have seen some fortunate couples stumble onto this solution by themselves. A year ago, two friends of mine were on the verge of separation because they couldn't stop quarreling about money. "the problem is," Alice would say, "that Jim won't spend anything on pleasure anymore. We haven't had dinner out for months." "the problem is," Jim would heatedly reply, "that Alice only likes expensive places."

Surprisingly, Jim and Alice were happily together when I met them recently. It seems that one evening, while talking with old friends, they started recalling the fun they'd had as newlyweds, going to free art exhibits, discovering quaint but inexpensive restaurants. In those days, they realized, Alice had been willing to enjoy simple pleasures, and Jim had wanted to entertain her. After that, they repeated some of their earlier experiences. By recapturing their old positive attitudes, they were able to knit their marriage together.

Perhaps it is because Americans are notably successful as problem solvers that they are prone to look on so many aspects of life in terms of problems. Indeed, most marriage counseling is still geared to work on problems-largely because a spouse rarely seeks help until the marriage is in a state of crisis. This puts the counselor in the position of an emergency-room doctor, so busy keeping the patient alive, that he has no time to teach the principles of staying healthy.

AND SO TO WED R. Digest JUNE 1973

One Sunday morning a couple came to an Atlanta church eager to wed. The minister agreed to marry them after the church service and asked the congregation to stay in witness. When the pianist asked their preference in music, the couple said they hadn't thought about it, but the bride-to-be finally said, "Onward Christian Soldiers" would be alright. And sure enough, they went down that aisle to "onward Christian soldiers, marching as to war.."

SEE? r.digest March 1973

A husband and a wife went to consult a marriage counselor. "In our six years of marriage," the husband complained, "we haven't been able to agree about anything." "It's been about seven years dear," the wife corrected.

MARRY HER! r.digest November 1974

"Uncle," said the earnest young man, "I am desperately in love with a beautiful young girl. How can I learn what she really thinks of me?"

"Marry her, my boy! Marry her!"

GETTING HIS WAY = MIRACLE r.digest January 1994

At a family gathering, my cousin's husband and mine began teasing us about how we always get our way. "Honey," my cousin said to her husband, "when I get my way, that's a compromise."

"What is it when I get my way?" he was quick to ask.

She replied, "That's a miracle!"

FOR THE MARRIAGE MINDED - UNCLE JOHN'S 4th BATHROOM READER

* If you want to get married, stand on your head and chew a piece of gristle out of a beef neck and swallow it, and you will get anyone you want.

* If you can walk around the block with your mouth full of water, you will be married within a year.

SLEEPING ARRANGEMENTS R.Digest 6/94 p.130

"Marriage is when you agree to spend the rest of your life sleeping in a room that's too warm, beside someone who's sleeping in a room that's too cold." E.J. Graff

POEM FOR THE WISE SPOUSE ibid. Ogden Nash

To keep your marriage brimming

With love in the loving cup

Whenever you're wrong admit it...

And whenever you're right - shut up.

I'M TIRED OF YOU TOO Gary Johnson's sermon Spring 94

Celebrating their 70th wedding anniversary with their family, an old couple were sitting close beside each other in their wheelchairs. "Say something romantic to mother," said the son who was videotaping the event for their memories.

Leaning over to his wife and putting his frail hand upon her knee, father said "Honey, after 70 years I've found you to be tried and true."

"Eh," said mom, as she turned up her hearing aid, "what did you say?"

"I said," the old man repeated louder this time, "after 70 years I've found you to be tried and true."

In disgust, his wife huffed "well, after 70 years, I'm tired of you too."

GOD CAN TAKE HER ANYTIME Gary Johnson Spring 94

At the end of a worship service, the minister of the congregation asked if there were any testimonies that someone would wish to share. A man sitting towards the front jumped up and said, "Yes, I have a testimony I'd like to share... I have been married just one week and I think it's great!" and he sat down.

Another man stood up and said, "I'd like to share with that first young man that I have been married 25 years and it will do in a pinch."

Then, towards the back of the church building, one of the pillars of the congregation stood feebly to his feet and said with his weak voice: "I was married to my first wife for 53 wonderful years. She was a godly woman. And then the Lord took her. And then I was married to my second wife for 14 glorious years. She was a godly woman. And the Lord took her. Now I have been married here to my 3rd wife for 4 months.... And God you can take her anytime."

HE FORGOT HIS TEETH Gary Johnson Spring '94 Revival

An older couple were sitting together on their love seat when the wife looked lovingly over at her husband and softly said, "Cy do you remember how you used to blow in my ear." And Cy leaned over and blew lightly in her ear.

"Cy," she continued, "do you remember how you used to hold me close?" And he held her close to him and she smiled.

And she said, "Cy, do you remember how you used to nimble on my ear?" And with that he just stood up and she cried, "Cy where are you going?" He replied, "I gotta go get my teeth."

YOU'RE SECOND IN COMMAND Gary Johnson Spring Revival 94

A man came home from his work absolutely discouraged and his wife met him at the door. Listening for while to his woes she said, "Don't worry honey, you might lose your job, but always remember that here at home you're second in command."

A beautiful blond senior shares: "When we date, we start giving gifts, like flowers or candy. When a couple becomes engaged, they give special things -- a diamond and very personal things. The most personal gift that I can ever give is myself. I have nothing more precious to give. When I marry, I want to give my husband the best that I have -- my whole self as completely as I can." -- Dr. Richard B. Wilke

BONN, Germany -- A German group of psychologists, physicians and insurance companies who cooperated on a research project, designed to find the secret to long life and success, made a surprising discovery. The secret? Kiss your wife each morning when you leave for work! The meticulous German researchers discovered that men who kiss their wives every morning have fewer automobile accidents on their way to work than men who omit the morning kiss. The good-morning kissers miss less work because of sickness and earn 20 to 30 percent more money than nonkissers. How do they explain their findings? According to West Germany's Dr. Arthur Szabo, "A husband who kisses his wife every morning begins the day with a positive attitude."

1. Honor thy own womanhood, that thy days may be long in the house which thy husband provideth for thee.

2. Expect not thy husband to give thee as many luxuries as thy father hath given thee after many years of hard labor and economies.

3. Forget not the virtue of good humor, for verily all that a man hath will he give for a woman's smile.

4. Thou shalt not nag.

5. Thou shalt coddle thy husband, for verily every man loveth to be fussed over.

6. Remember that the frank approval of thy husband is worth more to thee than the sidelong glances of many strangers.

7. Forget not the grace of cleanliness and good dressing.

8. Permit no one to assure thee that thou art having a hard time of it; neither thy mother, nor thy sister, nor thy maiden aunt, nor any of thy kinfolk, for the judge will not hold her guiltless who letteth another disparage her husband.

9. Keep thy home with all diligence, for out of it cometh the joys of thine old age.

10. Commit thy ways unto the Lord thy God and thy children shall rise up and call thee blessed.

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

MARRIAGE A MERGER OR A PARTNERSHIP? Adapted from John V. Carrier "I Hate Weddings" 1993

"So they are no longer two but one." Obviously we still have two people. What does this oneness mean? It is important not to get so lost in a marriage that one person or the other disappears, gets swallowed up. That is the difference between a merger and a partnership.

In a merger, the big fish swallows the little fish. The two shall become one fish! Marriage is not a merger but a partnership: two fish, equal in importance, learning to swim together for their mutual benefit.

Fish do that extremely well. If you have ever watched a school of fish, it is fascinating how they make sudden movements as if they were a single organism, and they never collide! They accomplish this by a peculiarity called "a ventral nerve."

Running along the side of almost all fish, near the surface of the skin, is a nerve. You can see it with the naked eye. That nerve is sensitive to the movement of everything around it. When one fish feels that movement and responds. It is a very real connection between the fish. The fish in a school act independently, as much as inter-actively.

Each fish remains unique. Each fish has its own identity, but each fish is of a greater unit. The school is one, and it is a great adaptation for survival. Instead of just two eyes watching out, the school may have hundreds. Together, life is fuller, safer, and, one could even say, better than it would have been individually.

When two people get married, they become one. They come, not to merger (with one person taking over the life of the other, absorbing the other, eliminating the other), but to combine resources, becoming a partnership. They come, giving each other the gifts that God has given them, so that together they may live life more fully.