Lead a righteous and spiritual life," admonished a minister to a young rascal he caught causing trouble, "for there will be weeping, wailing and a gnashing of teeth among the wicked who pass on to the next world."
"What if you haven't got any teeth?" said the boy.
"Teeth will be provided!"

HOW DO I SMELL FROM HERE? Alan Smith
It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touchdown and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback blew his top.
"How many times can you do this to us in a single game?" he screamed. "You were wrong on the out-of-bounds call, you were wrong on that last holding call, and you failed to say anything about a late hit in the first quarter."
The official just stared. The quarterback seethed, but he tried to suppress language that might get him tossed out of the game. "What it comes down to," he bellowed, "is that YOU STINK!"
The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback. "And how do I smell from here?" he asked.

In May of 1984 National Geographic magazine showed color photos and drawings of the swift and terrible destruction that wiped out the Roman cities of Pompeii and Herculaneum in A.D. 79. The explosion of Mount Vesuvius was so sudden that the people died in the middle of the routines of life. Common people were in the market, the wealthy were in their luxurious baths, slaves were at their backbreaking work. They died after breathing superheated gases and then were buried in volcanic ash. Life was going on as usual, but sudden destruction overtook them on that terrible day. The tragic thing is that the people did not have to die. The article stated that scientists have verified what some of the ancient Roman records indicate: that there were weeks of rumblings and tremors preceding the actual eruption. There were even ominous plumes of smoke visible from the mountain several days before the volcano erupted. If only they had responded to Vesuvius’s warning! God was warning them, but they were not paying attention

Baby stroller that said: "Warning: Remove child before folding baby stroller."

Sleeping pill prescription warning that the drug may cause sleepiness.

A fireplace lighter that cautions using the thing near fire, flame, or sparks.

A Laser Printer Cartridge that warns people not to eat the toner.

A bike helmet mounted mirror -- "Remember: Objects in mirror are actually behind you."

Instructions for Korean Kitchen Knives: "Keep out of children."

Pack of peanuts on an international flight: "Open packet and eat contents."

Camera: "This camera only works when there is film inside."

A bottle of milk: "After opening, keep upright." (Try telling that to Michael J. Fox!)

Rowenta Iron: "Warning! Never iron clothes on the body."

Halloween Superman Costume: "This cape does not give the wearer the ability to fly."

A label on an electric wood router made for carpenters cautions: "This product not intended for use as a dental drill."

A prescription of sleeping pills says, "Warning: May cause drowsiness"

An "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter cautions, "Do not use near fire, flame or sparks"

A warning label found on a baby stroller cautions the user to "Remove child before folding"

A household iron warns users: "Never iron clothes while they are being worn"

Second Place Winner: A 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow warns: "Not intended for highway use"

A can of self-defense pepper spray warns users: "May irritate eyes"

A sticker on a toilet at a public facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan warns: "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking.

A cardboard car sunshield that keeps sun off the dashboard warns, "Do not drive with sunshield in place"

In Jerusalem there is a Holocaust Memorial to remember the 6 million Jews who died in Nazi death camps. It documents the horrors of these camps with pictures and reports given by the Allies when they liberated the prisoners.

The most touching display in this collection is the memorial built in honor of the children who died in the holocaust. The building is illuminated by only a few candles but the use of mirrors make it appear there are thousands of candles. The memorial is filled with pictures of these children who were tortured and murdered by Nazis. And hidden voices endlessly call out their names. You are made to feel as though you are standing at the judgment of God. It is Israel's way of saying these children will never be forgotten.

Likewise, when Jesus comes He will remember and He will punish the wicked

CAPITAL PUNISHMENT – EFFECTIVE DETERANT Richard W. DeHaan Let’s Face the Issues 1980

When a London gangster was arrested, tried and convicted, and given a life sentence, his mob continued to operate. But when another of their number was found guilty and hanged, the gang disbanded immediately.

In 1960, while the death penalty was still in effect, in our country, about 9000 murders were committed. But by 1971, when a killer knew he wouldn’t die for his crime, the number of slayings had risen to 17,630. Therefore while the population was growing by 15%, murders grew by a whopping 96%. Make no mistake. When a person knows the death penalty is swift and sure, he’s less likely to take someone’s life deliberately than if he has a chance at eventual parole.

QUOTE: "Don’t find fault, find a remedy." – Henry Ford in his diary

DEATH PENALTY ARGUMENTS Beverley Lumpkin With ABCNews.com

Finally, innocence is virtually never an issue in a federal case. One official noted that he’d only heard one innocence argument and it was clear the lawyer really didn’t have his heart in it.

And counsel competence is not an issue; all federal death defendants get two attorneys appointed by a federal judge and at least one must have substantial experience with death penalty litigation

WHO'S IN CONTROL: R.H.I.P. Teresa’s Jokers
As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand and quietly fastens his seat belt.
All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars and battle ribbons and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades.... somebody is going to get a spanking."

Benny: "Now you take my grandpa, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and
he was right about that too."
Louie: "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?"
Benny: "A judge told him."

THE BULL’S SAFE

A young man was driving along a country road on the way to see his girl. As he passed a field the idea struck him to stop and pick a bouquet of flowers. He had barely begun romping through the field when he became aware or a rather mean looking bull not far away, with head lowered and an evil look in his eye.
Far away, leaning comfortably on the prudent side of the fence, stood a farmer taking in the situation. The young man called out to him, "Hey, mister! Is that bull safe!"
To which the farmer shouted back, "Safe as anything! Can't say the same about you, though!"

ACCOUNTABILITY
"For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive what is due him for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad." 2 Corinthians 5:10
My friend Graham was only 44 when cancer struck him down. When they discovered the disease, it had gone too far. Not long before he died I asked him, "What does it feel like to be 44 and in your situation?"
He sat in silence for quite a while as he pondered the question. And then he said some things I will never forget. He felt angry in that there was so much more he wanted to do with his life and now it was too late. He felt guilty because he had been too busy too much of the time and hadn't spent enough time with his wife and children and now that opportunity was gone forever. And then, after much thought, he said, "I wonder if I have ever done anything that has been truly worthwhile with my life."

QUOTE: When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty. – Norm Crosby

I THOUGHT I WAS BEING ARRESTED FOR SPEEDING! Matt Birdsall RDigest 4/99p86

Driving on the Long Island Expressway in the High Occupancy Vehicle lane, a friend noticed a police car behind her with its lights flashing. She pulled over and sat nervously as the officer approached the car. He looked inside, then said, "Sorry ma’am. I couldn’t see your kids in the car seats and thought you were driving alone in the HOV lane."

"Oh, thank goodness!" responded my friend to the officer with relief. "I was afraid that you pulled me over because I was doing 80 in a 55 mph zone."

PREACHER COULD SEND HIM TO HELL R.Digest 4/99 p. 118 by Lisa Hensley

My father-in-law, a detective, was investigating a church burglary. He questioned a likely suspect who wouldn’t admit to the crime. Finally, the preacher of the church stepped in and asked to speak to the suspect alone. Within minutes, the preacher emerged and gave my father-in-law the name of the pawnshop where the stolen items could be found.

My father-in-law was amazed. "How did you do that?" he asked.

"I told him you could send him to jail," the preacher replied, "but I could send him to hell."

QUOTE: WE take excellent care of our bodies, which we have for only a lifetime; yet we let shrivel our souls, which we will have for eternity. – Billy Graham

George Will writes in Men at Work: "Baseball umpires are carved from granite and stuffed with microchips… they are professional dispensers of pure justice. Once when Babe Pinelli called Babe Ruth out on strikes, Ruth made a populist argument. Ruth reasoned fallaciously (as populists do) from raw numbers to moral weight: ‘There’s 40,000 people here who know that last one was a ball, tomato head.’

"Pinelli replied with the measured stateliness of John Marshall: ‘Maybe so, but mine is the only opinion that counts.’"

A foreman was a hardworking, conscientious man, but had not received a promotion in ten years. Asked if he had an explanation for his failure to advance, he replied, "Many years ago I had an argument with my supervisor. I won."

UNSUCCESSFUL OPERATION? - Rotary Down Under

A politician awoke after an operation and found the curtains in his hospital room drawn. "Why are the curtains closed?" he asked the nurse. "Is it nighttime already?"

"No," the nurse replied. "But there’s a fire across the street, and we didn’t want you to wake up and think the operation was unsuccessful."

QUOTE: Upon accepting an award, the late Jack Benny once remarked, "I really don’t deserve this, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either."

QUOTE: A good lawyer knows the law... A great lawyer knows the judge.

GOD SHOW THEM WHAT FOR Matt Harris 12/96

A friend of mine told me of the feelings he had when he was called into the ministry. He told his friends about it and they'd respond: "What? Did you hear a voice from heaven or something?"

When he heard these comments (he said) "I wanted God to display himself from heaven in such a way that even my unbelieving friends would say: "Hey, can we go with you to that college?"

And when he'd encounter certain unbelievers he felt at times it would be great if God would just tear open the sky and cause the earth to tremble, and then he'd lean over and say: "SO, do you believe now?"

He said, "I wanted God to show Himself in such a way that anytime someone did what was right, it would be proven to be right - JUSTICE WOULD BE SERVED.

"What I wanted," he said, "was a wrath filled/ vengeful God to watch over His people."

YOU NEED MERCY NOT JUSTICE Ron Tabor in Christian Standard 6/23/96

The story is told of a politician who was furious after receiving the proofs of a portrait. He stormed back to the photographer, uttering angrily, "This picture does not do me justice!" The photographer replied, "Sir, with a face like yours, you don't need justice, you need mercy!"

NO RESPECT... FIREWORKS IN JUST A FEW MINUTES R.Digest 7/96 p. 17

When my family lived on Okinawa, one of the biggest events of the year was the military's 4th of July celebration, which culminated in a spectacular fireworks display. One year, as we joined the early evening crowd on the improvised midway, we watched with alarm as 3 tipsy airmen headed for the commanding officer. One of the men ambled up to the general and, without even a salute, cheerfully swatted his arm.

"Say," the airman inquired, "what time do the fireworks start?"

The general eyed him coolly for a moment then replied, "Any minute, son. Any minute."

THE POWER OF JUDGMENT ON THE GREENS R.Digest 5/96 p. 135

We were approaching the 4th hole on the golf course one afternoon. Suddenly the sky turned ominous, and it began to rain amid claps of thunder. We rushed to shelter in a gazebo near a metal fence. As the storm grew in intensity, a bolt of lightning hit the long, link fence and lit it up like a neon sign. It was a while before any of us could speak. Then one player turned to his opponent and said, "You know that 5 I had on the first hole - it really was a seven."

LISTING A MAN'S ASSETS AGAINST HIS FAILURE Bits and Pieces 9/15/94 p. 11ff

Many years ago a senior executive of Standard Oil Company made a wrong decision that cost the company more than $2 million. John D. Rockefeller was then running the firm. On the day the news leaked out, most of the executives of the company were finding various ingenious ways of avoiding Mr. Rockefeller, lest his wrath descend on their heads.

There was one exception, however: he was Edward T. Bedford, a partner in the company. Bedford was scheduled to see Rockefeller that day and he kept the appointment, even though he was prepared to listen to a long harangue against the man who made the error in judgment.

When he entered the office the powerful head of the gigantic Standard Oil empire was bent over his desk busily writing with a pencil on a pad of paper. Bedford stood silently, not wishing to interrupt. After a few minutes, Rockefeller looked up.

"Oh, it's you, Bedford," he said calmly. "I suppose you've heard about our loss?"

Bedford said that he had.

"I've been thinking it over," Rockefeller said, "and before I ask the man in to discuss the matter, I've been making some notes."

Bedford later told the story this way:

"Across the top of the page was written, 'Point in favor of Mr. ______.' There followed a long list of the man's virtues, including a brief description of how he had helped the company make the right decision on 3 separate occasions that had earned many times the cost of his recent error.

"I never forgot that lesson, In later years, whenever I was tempted to rip into anyone, I forced myself to sit down and thoughtfully compile as long a list of good points as I possibly could. Invariably, by the time I finished my inventory, I would see the matter in its true perspective and keep my temper under control.

DOGGY BAG SE Christian Church Convention 96, Dave Stone

Paula Short was accustomed to taking her dog out for a walk in the evening and dutifully swept up the dog's droppings placing them in a paper bag she carried with her for just that purpose. One night she was mugged while out on her evening walk and the mugger took her bag and disappeared into the night. When interrogated by the police she smiled and noted "I only wish I'd had more for him in the bag."

JAMES WEBB ON HONOR AND HEAVEN r.digest 1/96

Honor begins with accepting that what we do, large or small, matters. When I was first appointed Secretary of the Navy, a reporter mentioned how important he thought this job was, and I agreed, but I also told him that when I die, God's not going to ask me if I had been Secretary of the Navy.

In Logan County, Colorado, it's illegal to kiss a sleeping woman.

It's illegal to ride a camel on Nevada highways.

Women in Morrisville, Pennsylvania, are required by law to purchase a permit before wearing lipstick in public.

Laws in Indianapolis, Indiana, and Eureka, Nevada, make it a crime to kiss if you wear a mustache.

New York City law entitles its horses to a 15 minute "coffee break" after each two hours of work.

Children are prohibited from doing handstands on Denver, Colorado sidewalks - it might

frighten horses.

If your horse is ugly, the law prohibits you from riding it down a street in Wilbur, Washington.

In Minnesota, it's illegal for a woman to be dressed-up as Santa Claus on city streets.

Kansas law prohibits catching fish with your bare hands.

It is illegal to hunt camels in Arizona.

Training a seal to balance a ball on its nose is illegal in Sweden.

In Omaha, Nebraska, it is illegal to burp or sneeze in church.

If you live in Kentucky, you're required by law to bathe at least once a year.

It is illegal in Florida for a woman who is single, divorced, or widowed to parachute out of a plane on Sunday afternoon.

Kodiak, Alaska has made it illegal to stick your tongue out at someone who has caught a fish smaller than yours.

A law in Helena, Montana prohibits a woman from dancing on a saloon table if she has on less the 3 lb. 2 oz. of clothing.

It is a crime in Sterling, Colorado, to allow a cat to run loose at night without a tail light.

In Rochester, Minnesota, it is against the law to swim in a public pool unless a police officer inspects your bathing suit.

It is legal in Kansas to prescribe beer for a patient's health. However, it is illegal for said doctor to drink with said patient.

In Bench, Idaho, a couple kissing on Sunday are legally required to "Pause for breath" between each kiss

In Peewee, WV, it is illegal to let your horse fall asleep in a bathtub unless you sleep with the horse.

In Crawford, Nebraska, women who are single, widowed or divorced may not legally parachute on the Sabbath.

In Kiddersville, New Hampshire, local citizens may not stick out their tongues at a dog while on their way to church

In Okanogan, Washington, it is unlawful to read the Sunday paper sitting in a rocking chair on the front porch while church services are in session

QUOTE: * To err is human - but you better have a better excuse than that.

SMALL PRINT WON'T SAVE YOU R.Digest 4/94 p. 109

During the Mortgage Closing on our summer house, my wife and I were asked to sign documents containing small print. When I asked if I should read it, my attorney replied, "Legally, you should, but here's the bottom line: If you pay your installments on time, there is nothing in there that could harm you. Should you stop paying, however, there is definitely nothing in the small print that can save you."

TANK ATTACK ON ILLEGAL PARKING R.Digest 9/95 p. 51

Members of our Tracked Vehicle Platoon at the Marines' Basic School in Quantico Va., had a reserved parking area. But student lieutenants, their cars easily identifiable by blue stickers, often ignored the restriction and parked there. Our notes left on their windshields had little effect.

One day, a mechanic accidentally kicked the brake off an idling tank. The 60-ton behemoth rolled through a chain-link fence and lumbered unhindered up onto the hood of a young lieutenant's illegally parked vehicle.

The next morning found our parking area empty of any blue-stickered cars.

JUDGMENT IN A CORNFIELD by Ernest Shubird in Guideposts July 1993, p. 9

"Things of the mind" had possessed me that morning. As I leaned on my hoe handle, slapping now and then at the sweat bees and corn beetles, my thoughts were at the creek where I had been planning to build a dam across the narrow crossing. I would dam up the creek with mud, leaves and rocks, and then make boats from bucket lids and old cigar boxes and have a navy on the high seas. Absorbed in my engineering project, I did not even notice that Grandpa was no longer calling out "Gee" and "Haw" to the mule in the nearby field.

Then I saw him coming toward me, walking swiftly between two rows of young corn with that maple switch in his hand, and I began to hoe. "Wait a minute, son," he said softly. "Somethin' I need to take care of. How's yer hoe doin' this mornin'?"

"It's doin' fine, sir."

"I don't think it is, son. Let me have a look at it."

I handed him the short-handled hoe he had fixed especially for me, and he began to talk to it, holding it at arm's length.

"Hoe, I sent you here this mornin' with my grandson to hoe this corn. You know this corn needs to be hoed. You know this fall-he'll need some to take to school. But you wouldn't hoe. Now, I'm gonna have to tune you up a bit so you'll help my grandson."

Then he whipped the hoe handle until the maple switch was broken and limp. As he tossed away the remnant he handed the hoe back to me. "I believe it'll do a better job this time, son."

"It'll do much better, sir," I assured him as I began to chop at the weeds with energy I had never realized. "I think it'll do fine."

Grandpa turned and walked away. After a few yards he stopped and turned, tears in his big blue-green eye. Told yer ma you'd eat with us today. So don't be late. Yer grandma's

cookin' us a big peach cobbler, and she'll be aggravated if we ain't at that table on time."

THE SCOREBOARD Football coach Chuck Noll:

The nice thing about football is that you have a scoreboard to show how you've done. In other things in life, you don't. At least not one you can see.

LIFE AFTER DEATH EXPERIENCES R.Digest 8/81 p.51ff

Virginia Falce was undergoing a routine tonsillectomy when her heart stopped. "All of a sudden I was rising through a white mist," she recalls. "Then it was all dark. I wasn't frightened - a little curious, I guess. I felt a sense of absolute love and peace embracing me, coming from a glowing circle of light. I wasn't a churchgoer - I didn't believe in it. But I knew this light was God, and it was such love and joy that I wanted to go to it forever. Then the thought came that I had 2 children. I had a job to do & I had to return."

Hospital records show that doctors performed immediate surgery on Mrs. Falce, cutting open her chest to massage her heart by hand. "The next thing I remember," she says, "was the nurse standing over me, and later on doctors and nurses coming in and asking me what it was like to die."

In a number of cases studied by Dr. Fred W. Schoonermaker, Director of Cardiovascular Services at St. Luke's Hospital in Denver, the electroencephalograph readings (EEG's that report on the brain's activity) were "flat," or nonexistent, for periods ranging from 30 minutes to 3 hours, well beyond the time at which a person is considered clinically dead - but from which patients returned to consciousness, sometimes inexplicably, to report experiences of peace, comfort and beauty.

Dr. Michael Sobom assistant professor of cardiology at Emory University in Atlanta noted "When I started to check out these stories, I found that some of the patients could tell me in detail, in the correct sequence, exactly what had happened to their bodies on the operating table. One man described how he floated above his body and watched the operating team at work. He described the instruments, how the heart looked, and the operative procedure itself. There was nothing in the man's background to indicate that he could have picked up this medical knowledge otherwise."

CONFUSING LIBERTY WITH LICENSE R.Digest 12/86 p.181

President Harry Truman and Secretary of State Dean Acheson were going over a speech, and Acheson told the President he didn't like a sentence that read: "Now I want to talk to you about each of these things."

"Couldn't you say talk with you'?" Acheson asked the President.

"Strikes me I'm just talking to people, Dean," Truman replied.

"But 'it sounds as if you're laying down the law.

"Some people think I do lay down the law, Dean," the President observed.

Then suddenly he seemed a little angry. "Somebody has to lay down the law around here on occasion. Some people confuse liberty and license; they think this country owes them nothing but privileges, and that nobody ought to lay down the law to them about their moral responsibilities... Let's say to."

WHAT THEN? Today 10/19/91

One day, an ambitious university student was talking with a wise older uncle. "Joe," the uncle asked, "tell me what you plan to do after you graduate from college."

"Oh, I guess I'll start my career," said Joe.

"That sounds prudent," said the uncle. "What then?"

"I guess," said Joe, "I'll get married and have a family."

"That's wonderful," said the old man. "What then?"

"Well," replied Joe, "I guess I'll make my fortune."

"Good for you," said the uncle. "What then?"

"Then," said Joe, "I'll buy a country home and retire."

"That sounds inviting," said the uncle. "What then?"

"Well, I suppose," said Joe, "that one day I'll die."

"That's true," said the uncle. "What then?"

QUOTE: If men will not understand the meaning of judgment, they will never come to understand the meaning of grace. - Dorothy Sayers

THE EVIDENCE AGAINST ME R.Digest 9/76 p.108

The defendant came forward at his trial to plead guilty.

"Why didn't you plead guilty at the start and save us all a lot of time?" asked the judge.

"I thought I was innocent," replied the defendant. "But that was before I heard the evidence against me."

STRANGE LAWSUIT #1 HE COULDN'T BUY HIS BODY BACK Uncle John's 4th Bathroom Reader, p. 39

In 1910, Olaf Olavson was desperate for cash, so he sold his body to the Kaorlinska Institute (to be used for medical research after he died). But in 1911, he unexpectedly inherited a fortune and decided to "buy himself back." to his surprise, the institute wouldn't cooperate.

When Olavson flatly refused to donate his body, the institute actually sued for breach of contract. Not only did Olavson owe his body to the Institute, ruled the court, but the judge decided that since he'd had 2 teeth removed without the Institute's permission, Olavson had illegally tampered with their property.

STRANGE LAWSUIT #2 THE CHERRY SISTERS FROM HELL ibid.

At the turn of the century, The Des Moines Register ran a scathing review of an Iowa singing group named the Cherry Sisters. Their reporter wrote that "Their long skinny arms, equipped with talons at the extremities... waved frantically at the suffering audience. The mouths of their rancid features opened like caverns, and sounds like the wailing of damned souls issued therefrom."

The sisters sued for libel.

The Judge asked the sisters to perform their act for him in court... and then ruled in favor of the newspaper.

STRANGE LAWSUIT #3 DISRESPECT FOR THE DEAD ibid. p. 41

At the end of a funeral in a Vallejo, California cemetery, cemetery employees realized that the coffin they were about to lower into the ground was too wide for the hole. They tried turning the coffin on its side, but the mourners stopped them. Then the employees tried breaking off the handles; it didn't work. Finally, "they tried to force it by jumping up and down on the lid." The coffin broke, and the funeral had to be stopped. Relatives sued for $500,000. The cemetery settled out of court.

LAST MINUTE CORRECTION R.Digest 12/77 p.24

Several years ago, the Connecticut State police were required to put chains on their tires after the 1st snowfall. One officer, failing to do so, found himself in a skid that flipped the car over on to its roof.

A woman called the police station to report the accident. In reply to inquiries on the officer's condition, she said, "Well, he seems OK, but you'd better get someone here real quick. He's standing on the car, putting chains on the tires."

YOU CAN'T PLEASE THEM ALL R.DIGEST 9/78 p. 136

A young minister, assigned to a church in rural Kentucky, delivered his 1st sermon - on the evils of drinking. "Tread lightly, my son," warned a deacon after the service. "One third of the congregation work for a distillery."

On the following Sunday, the minister talked about the evils of gambling. "Tread lightly," cautioned the deacon, "one third of the congregation breed race horses."

During the service on the third Sunday, the minister gave a sermon on the evils of smoking. "Tread lightly," again the deacon warned, "one third of the congregation grow tobacco."

On the 4th Sunday, after thinking it over carefully, the minister delivered his most powerful sermon yet - on the evils of fishing in the territorial waters of a foreign country.

BE HAPPY WE CAUGHT YOU R.Digest 7/93 p.26

A woman in our town called the police department and complained, "People are speeding on our street, endangering the lives of children walking to school."

The next morning, she herself was stopped for speeding. "But officer," she pleaded, "I'm the person who called yesterday to tell police about these speeders."

"Well then, ma'am," he replied, handing her a ticket, "you should be happy we caught one."

QUOTE: "Only God is in a position to look down on anyone." Sarah Brown quoted by H. Jackson Brown, Jr. in "P.S. I Love You"

JUDGMENT ON THE BASEBALL FIELD R.Digest 5/78 p.126

At an instructional game, the outfielder threw the ball to the rookie catcher, who grabbed the ball and made a swipe at an in rushing sliding base runner at the plate. As sometimes happens, the catcher missed the tag and the base runner missed the plate. The runner jumped up, dusted himself off, and trotted to his dugout, convinced that he had scored. The umpire made no call either way, which is the prescribed response, and after a moment or two the pitcher and the infielders, analyzing the situation, hurried in and implored the catcher to make the tag.

"Tag who?" asked the catcher.

"The runner, the runner!" they cried. "You missed him. He didn't score. Go tag him!"

"Ah," said the young receiver, the light bulb over his head at last clicking on. Still holding the ball, he ran eagerly toward the enemy dugout, with the umpire close behind. When the catcher got there, however, he gazed up and down the line of seated fresh faced rookies without recognizing anyone who looked like a recent passerby. He went to one end of the bench and tagged the first 3 men sitting in line. He looked around at the umpire, who was watching with folded arms. The umpire made no sign. The catcher tagged 4 more players. The ump shook his head almost imperceptibly. Now the erstwhile base runner, seeing the catcher inexorably working up the line toward him, leaped up and made a dash for the plate. The pitcher, who had been standing bemused near home, screamed for the ball, and he and the catcher executed a rundown, in the style of stadium attendants collecting a loose dog on the field, and tagged the man out in the on deck circle.

CARTOON QUIP ON JURY VERDICT R.Digest 2/79 p.105

Jury foreman: "Your honor, 7 of us find the defendant guilty as charged. Three of us find him as guilty as they come. And 2 of us find him guilty from the word 'go.'"

QUOTE: Philosopher Bertrand Russell, asked if he was willing to die for his beliefs, replied: "Of course not. After all, I might be wrong."

THE CITY THAT DROWNED R.Digest 5/69 p.192ff

Cities have been smothered with volcanic ash, leveled by hurricanes, shaken apart by earthquakes. But no disaster quite matches the one that struck Port Royal, Jamaica, at 11:43 a.m., on June 7, 1692. In the space of less then 10 minutes, the thriving pirate port, reputedly the wickedest city on earth, sank convulsively into the Caribbean.

An eyewitness described the scene: "The earth heaved and swelled like the rolling billows, and in many places the earth crack'd open, open'd and shut, with a motion quick and fast. In some of these people were swallowed up, in others they were caught by the middle, and pressed to death. The whole was attended with the noise of falling mountains at a distance, while the sky was turned dull and reddish, like a glowing oven."

Upward of 2000 people perished in the chaos. Even today, many Jamaicans believe that Port Royal's destruction was the price exacted by an angry God for its sins. Contemporary descriptions of life in Port Royal varied according to the prejudices of the speaker. One writer likened it to a "continual fair," while another found it "a sink of all filthiness and a mere Sodom."

NO TRESPASSING 12/79 p. 109

Accustomed to traditional "No Trespassing" signs in Texas, one in particular caught my attention:

"STOP

I know you're thinking about crossing this gate. What you should know is that if the Coyotes, Cactus, Mesquite, Heat, Dust or Rattlers don't get you, I will."

The rancher had signed his name at the bottom in the blood red paint.

BLESSED ARE THE MERCIFUL R.Digest 6/70 p. 231

At the University of Oklahoma, as at many other schools, it is customary for students to leave a self addressed postcard with the professor, requesting that he mark on it the final grade for the course. While assisting my professor husband in recording the grades of one of his classes, we came across a card that stated: "Blessed are the merciful."

The card was promptly returned with the following inscription: "Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted. Final Grade: D."

QUOTE: "Drive carefully! Remember: it's not only a car that can be recalled by its maker."

STRICT LAWS R.Digest 12/72 p. 90

The 1st person we met at a ski resort was a woman on crutches. She described her accident, then added, "I just didn't realize that the laws of gravity were so strict."

HE CAN KEEP THE MULE R.Digest 5/75 p. 98

The story is told of the sharecropper who was charged with stealing his landlord's mule. Rich and domineering, the landlord had few friends among the common people, but the evidence against the defendant was overwhelming. When the jury retired to consider the verdict, they were out only 5 minutes.

"Have you reached a verdict, Mr. Foreman?" asked the judge. "We have, Your Honor," the foreman replied, and handed a paper to the clerk.

The clerk read: "We the jury find the defendant not guilty, provided that he returns the mule."

The judge brought the gavel down sharply, saying, "There is no such verdict in the law. The defendant is either guilty or not guilty." He told the jury to retire and come back with a lawful verdict. They returned in another five minutes.

The clerk unfolded the paper, cleared his throat, and read: "We the jury find the defendant not guilty. He can keep the mule."

YOU'RE OUT R. Digest AUG. 1970

A player once fumed when umpire Beans Reardon said "safe" but vigorously gestured "out" as he slid into third base just before he was tagged. Told that he had been "safe," Reardon snapped: "That "safe" stuff's just between you and me; 30.000 people saw me wave you "out."

ANCIENT ELECTRONIC DEVICES R. Digest SEP 1975

Those electronic devices which check for concealed weapons are not exactly new. Centuries ago, one of the palaces in Chang-An, the ancient Chinese capital now known as Sian, had gates made of lodestone-a natural magnet. If a would be assassin came through the gate with a concealed weapon, the lodestone would pull the hidden weapon like an invisible hand. Startled, the individual would involuntarily reach for the weapon. Trained guards, watching every movement would then grab him.

During the training film sessions at boot camp, it was almost impossible for anyone to stay awake. The boring films and stale air were just too much. However, the drill instructor had an adroit method of keeping us alert. He informed us that it was perfectly all right to take a nap, but the man on each side of the sleeper would be required to do five turns around the parade ground.

That ended the slumber parties.

WRITTEN IN INK R.Digest 12/93 p. 100

Our 2nd grader brought home a report card that didn't meet our expectations. After dinner, my husband sat the boy on his knee and said, "Son, we're going to have to do something about these grades."

"We can't, Dad," our son replied. "They're in ink."

LIGHTNING STRIKES TWICE r.digest April 1975

Roy Sullivan of Virginia was struck by lightening in 1942 and lost the nail of his big toe. When lightning struck him again in 1969, he lost his eyebrows; and in 1970 his left shoulder was seared. His hair was set on fire in 1972, when lightning struck him again.

ELECTRIC CHAIR RUN AROUND R. Digest Nov.1970

The children of the head of a prominent family decided to give him a book of their family's history. The biographer they hired for the job was warned of one problem-Uncle Willie, the black sheep, who had gone to the electric chair for murder.

The biographer promised to handle the situation: "I'll just say that Uncle Willie occupied a chair of applied electronics at one of our leading government institutions. He was attached to his position by the strongest of ties. His death came as a true shock."

WARNING REJECTED r.digest September 1993

I was taking my mother for a drive, and she'd scold me whenever I went over the speed limit. Unfortunately I dismissed her advice, a state trooper pulled me over and issued a ticket.

As my mother and I continued on our way, I complained that he should have let me off with a warning. "Joan," she said, "I gave you the warning. He gave you the ticket."

THE VANISHING PREACHER r.digest December 1973

The reverend Rob Yeomans of Pontesbury, England, bounced up and down trying to get more life into the choir's rendering of "I Wonder Where I'm Bound." The iron grid gave way under him and he vanished into the church's central heating duct.

YOU CALL ME MASTER?

The following words are from an old engraving on a cathedral in Labeck, Germany:

Thus speaketh Christ our Lord to us:

You call Me master and obey Me not.

You call Me light and see Me not.

You call Me the Way and walk Me not.

You call Me life and live Me not.

You call Me wise and follow Me not.

You call Me fair and love Me not.

You call Me rich and ask Me not.

You call Me eternal and seek Me not.

If I condemn thee, blame Me not.

ANYTHING YOU SAY... From: First Church of Christ, Lynn, August 14, 1995 newsletter

August 16, 1992 in The Reporter News, Abilene, TX paper, an article appeared about a cowboy. This cowboy was a horse breaker on a ranch near, Breckenridge. He was driving his pickup and was stopped by the Highway Patrol. The cowboy refused to take a breath analyzer test. He explained, "The last time I took one of those tests, I flunked and I am a lot drunker now than I was then."

I believe this illustrates just a bit what the Lord meant when He said, "By your words you shall be justified, and by your words you shall be condemned." - Matthew 12:37

I'M NOT DYING! FROM:July 1995 R.Digest p 61 Dave Coverly, Creators Syndicate

An impassioned minister was visiting a country church and began his address with a stirring reminder: Everybody in this parish is going to die.

The evangelist was discomfited to notice a man in the front pew who was smiling broadly. "Why are you so amused?" he asked.

"I'm not in this parish," replied the man. "I'm just visiting my sister for the weekend."

PARKING VIOLATION Humorous Ticket

This is not a ticket, but if it were within my power, you would receive two. Because of your Bull Headed, inconsiderate, feeble attempt at parking, you have taken enough room for a 20 mule team, 2 elephants, a 1 goat and a safari of pygmies from the African interior. The reason for giving you this is so that in the future you may think of someone else, other than yourself. Besides I don't like domineering, egotistical or simple minded drivers and you probably fit into one of these categories.

I sign off wishing you an early transmission failure (on the expressway at about 4:30 p.m.). Also, may the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.