It's a summer holiday weekend and a man walks into a butcher shop which has a sign in the window saying "Ground Sirloin: 29 cents per pound" The man says, "I'm having a cookout this
weekend. I'd like 5 pounds of your ground sirloin, please."
The butcher shakes his head and says, "Sorry. I'm all out."
The man, disappointed goes down the street to another butcher shop and asks, "How much is your ground sirloin?" The proprietor replies, "It's $3.29 per pound."
"Three twenty nine!?!" exclaimed the customer. "Just up the street he sells it for 29 cents!"
The butcher smiles calmly at the gentleman and asks, "Does he have any?"
"No. He's out of it right now."
"Well," says the butcher. "When I don't have any, I can sell it for 19 cents per pound!"

CONTROL, WE HAVE A PROBLEM From actual maintenance records of the US Air Force:

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."

Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough."

Solution: "Auto-land not installed on this aircraft."

Problem # 1: "# 2 propeller seeping prop fluid."

Solution # 1: "# 2 propeller seepage normal."

Problem # 2: "# 1, # 3 and # 4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."

Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."

Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."

Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."

Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."

Solution: "That’s what they’re there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."

Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."

Solution: "Evidence removed."

Emily Sue was going into labor, and her husband, Bubba, called 911.
The operator told Bubba she would send someone out right away. 'Where do you live?' asked
the operator. Bubba replied, 'Eucalyptus Drive.' The operator asked, 'Can you spell that for
me?' There was a pause and then Bubba said, 'How about I drag her over to Oak Street, and you
pick her up there?'

One of my favorites is the story of Pedro Valdez, the Mexican outlaw. Did you ever hear his story? He kept coming up into Texas robbing banks and stagecoaches. And finally, a Texas ranger decided to kind of ambush him one day. And sure enough, he came across and this ranger jumped him, put a gun to his head and said, "Pedro, tell me where the $4,000,000 is that you stole from the bank at Juarez." And he said, "No Habra inglis." And sure enough, he couldn't speak a word of English. And the ranger couldn't speak a word of Spanish. So he finds a little Latin American boy and comes to him and he says, "Can you speak English?" He says, "Yes." He says, "Can you speak Spanish?" He says, "Si Senor." He says, "You tell Pedro here that I am going to shoot him where he stands if he doesn't tell me where that money is." And so sure enough the boy translates; and Pedro looks at the boy in panic and says, "Oh, I don't want to die." He said, "You tell him to go to Laredo to the old mission and go 15 steps from the north wall. It's buried by the old oak tree." And the little boy listened and he turned around to the Texas
ranger and said, "Pedro said he's a very brave man. He's ready to die."

CLASSY CLASSIFIEDS
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Vacation special: Have your house exterminated.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery.
Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale.
For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first

HEADLINES THAT SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN WRITTEN:
--Lawyer Says Client is Not That Guilty
--Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
--Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
--Legislator Wants Tougher Death Penalty
--Man Jumps Off Bridge. Neither Jumper nor Body Found
--After Detour to California Shuttle Returns to Earth
--Woman Improving After Fatal Crash
--Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
--Publicize Your Business Absolutely Free! Just send $6.00.

An elderly husband and wife noticed they were beginning to forget little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous so they decided to go see a doctor to get some help.
Their doctor told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. This seemed like an excellent idea.
When they got home, the wife said, "Honey, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? Why don't you write that down so you won't forget?"
"Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!"
"I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you'll forget."
"Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!"
"OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife.
"No problem, ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."
With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans and making lots of noise. He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.
Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, "Where's the toast?"

TWO SERVICES – WHICH DID THEY DIE IN?

One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque
for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good morning son."
"Good morning preacher" replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service", replied the preacher. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"

WE'RE ABOUT A MILE FROM WHERE CRASHED LAST TIME
The story is told of two hunters who got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk.
The pilot objected and said, "The plane can only carry four of your elk. Any more than that would weigh the plane down too much. You'll have to leave two of the elk behind."
The two hunters were both infuriated and insistent. They said, "Last year, we shot six elk and that pilot let us put them all on board. And that plane was the exact same model."
Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But about fifteen minutes after taking off, the engine started to sputter, and within seconds they were hurtling to the ground and crashed into the wilderness.
Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"
"I think so," replied the other hunter. "I think this is about a mile from where we crashed last year!"

A motorist had a flat tire in front of an insane asylum. He took the wheel off, but when he stood up he tipped over the hubcap containing the bolts, spilling them all down a sewer drain.
A patient, looking through the fence, suggested that the man take one bolt from the remaining three wheels to hold the fourth wheel in place until he could get to a service station.
The motorist thanked his profusely and said, "I don’t know why you are in that place."
The patient said, "I’m here for being crazy, not for being stupid."

DO YOU NEED ANY HELP?

A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. "Are you hiring any help?" she asked.
"No," he said. "We already have all the staff we need."
"Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?" she asked.

YOU MEAN YOU’RE NOT THE INSTRUCTOR???

A photographer from a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a raging forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he called his editor to get permission to hire a plane. His editor said, "Just get to the airport. I will have a small private plane and a pilot waiting for you." As soon as the photographer got to the small, rural airport, he noticed a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let’s go. Let’s get in the air right now!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. With contempt, he shot back, "Because, I’m going to take pictures! I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" After a long pause, the pilot said, "You mean you’re not my new flight instructor?"

WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the big, multi-leveled, plush movie theater. When the usher, with his little flashlight, came by and noticed this. He whispered, "Sorry sir, but you are only allowed one seat." The man groaned, but did not budge. The usher became impatient and said, "Sir, if you don’t get up from there I am going to have to call the manager."

The man just groaned, which infuriated the usher. The usher turned and marched back up the aisle in search of the manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and tried to remove the fellow, but with no success.

Finally, they called the police. Upon his arrival, the policeman surveyed the situation briefly, then asked, "All right buddy, what’s your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where are you from Sam?" With pain in his voice, Sam pointed up and replied: "The balcony…"

Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over lunch.
"I do wish that my John would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous."
My Fred used to do the same thing," the other woman replied. "But I broke him of the habit."
"Really, how?" asked the first woman.
"Easy, I hid his teeth."

WHAT A LOUSY HAIRCUT

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel - it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"
He said, "Where'd you get the lousy haircut?"

My friend Don, a minor-league umpire, is used to being heckled by fans. But imagine his surprise when he was rushing to umpire an exhibition game at Coors Field in Denver. After a long search for a place to change clothes, Don finally located a room with a neatly lettered sign: "Dressing Room, Umpires Only." As he was about to go in, however, he inspected the sign more closely. Below the printed legend was the same message ... written in Braille.

• Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you
• Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.
• Hi. Now YOU say something.
• Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
  

About as sharp as a marble.
A few clowns short of a circus.
Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas Tree.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
I wish I had a blueprint for his brain; I'm trying to build an idiot.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
He only has one oar in the water.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn't have all her cornflakes in one box.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
The cheese slid off her cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay her brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky's kinked.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
The lights are on, but nobody's home.
24 cents short of a quarter.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

QUOTE: Heck is a place for people who don't believe in Gosh.

QUOTE: "We had seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and it was out." - John C. Clancy

Leaving a plush night club one evening, a miserly gentleman walked past the doorman without tipping him. Never the less, the doorman helped the man into a taxi with a flourish and said pleasantly.
"By-the-way, in case you happen to lose your wallet on the way home, Sir, just remember that you didn't pull it out here."

Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already.
Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.

15 SAYINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE ON OFFICE INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS:
1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings... they did it by killing everyone who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
6. Plagiarism saves time.
7. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
8. TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.
9. The layoffs will continue until morale improves.
10. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
11. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
12. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
13. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
14. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
15. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

A lawyer and a doctor were on an extravagant fishing trip. The lawyer said, "I am here because my house burned down and everything I owned was burned. The insurance company paid a mint for everything I lost."
"Now that's quite a coincidence," said the doctor, "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused and said, "Really? How do you start a flood?"

MEDICAL REPORTS

This is a collective from medical interview records written by various paramedics, emergency room receptionists, and (we are afraid) a doctor or two at major hospitals.
- She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
- The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
- The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
- She is numb from her toes down.
- While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
- The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
- Patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
- Patient was alert and unresponsive.
- When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

THOAP!

As an inspirational measure, the Boss had placed a sign in the restroom directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- "Think!"
The next day he went to the restroom, he looked at the sign and right below it, above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read -- "Thoap!"

BUMPER STICKER WISDOM

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

QUOTE: "Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."

In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."
At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got."
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

LAST TIME I TALKED TO A BUSH…

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long, flowing, white robe with a long, white beard and long, flowing, white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.
George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?"
The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.
George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?"
The man continued to stare at the ceiling.
George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?"
The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes, I am."
George W. asked him why he was so uppity, and Moses replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert."

QUOTE: "There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't."

I WANT TO WATCH THAT PLANE TAKE OFF

Unaware that Indianapolis is on Eastern Standard Time and Chicago on Central Standard, Bob inquired at the Indianapolis airport about a plane to Chicago.
"One leaves at 1 p.m.," a ticket agent said, "and arrives in Chicago at 1:01 p.m."
"Would you repeat that, please?" said Bob.
The agent did so and then asked, "Do you want a reservation?"

"No," said Bob, "But I think I'll hang around and watch that thing take off...."

CHIPPIE’S RESPONSE TO BEING VACUUMED Angola Pleasant Viewer Sept. 99

The following story was in the Chattanooga Free Press: "whoosh." It was like the sound of a giant Dustbuster, and the lady knew exactly what had happened. According to a newspaper article, she had decided to take a short cut to cleaning the birdcage that housed her favorite canary, named Chippie. Having a busy schedule that day, she decided to clean the cage with the vacuum cleaner. Shortening the process even further, she took off the attachment and was using the full hose to remove debris from the cage.

Suddenly the telephone rang. She turned to answer it when she heard the loud "whoosh." There was no doubt about it, Chippie had been sucked into the vacuum bag. Quickly she hung up the receiver, opened the bag and found Chippie – still alive but filthy.

She went to the bathroom, turned on the faucet full force and stuck Chippie beneath it. A few minutes later he was clean but shivering. Seeing the hair dryer on the counter, she turned it onto high and quickly had Chippie dry, warm and back in the cage. The entire procedure had taken only a few minutes. Days later, someone asked, "How is Chippie?"

"Well, he seems OK except that he doesn’t sing anymore. He just sits and stares out into the room."

LET THERE BE LIGHT
How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb? One to the change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb? None. God has predestined when the light will be on. Calvinists do not change light bulbs. They simply read the instructions and pray the light bulb will be one that has been chosen to be changed.
How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb? Change???
How many neo-orthodox does it take to change a light bulb? No one knows. They can't tell the difference between light and darkness.
How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb? One. But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today.
How many independent fundamentalists does it take to change a light Bulb? Only one, because any more might result in too much co-operation.
How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb? At least ten, as they need to hold a debate on whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the
light bulb, they still might not change it, to keep from alienating those who might use other forms of light.
How many Roman Catholics does it take to change a light bulb? None. They always use candles.
How many worship leaders who use guitars does it take to change a light bulb? One. But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing.
How many members of an established Bible teaching church that is over 20 years old does it take to change a light bulb? One to actually change the bulb, and nine to say how much they liked the old one.
How many United Methodists does it take to change a light bulb? This statement was issued: "We choose not to make a statement either in favour or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your journey you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine.
You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb (or light source, or non dark resource) and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long life, and tinted all of which are equally valid paths of luminescence.
How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb? "What's a light bulb?"
How many youth ministers does it take to change a light bulb? Youth ministers aren't around long enough for a light bulb to burn out.
How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a light bulb? One hundred and nine. Seven on the Light Bulb Task Force Sub-committee, who report to the 12 on the Light Bulb Task Force, appointed by the 15 on the Trustee Board. Their recommendation is reviewed by the Finance Committee Executive of 5, who place it on the agenda of the 18 member Finance Committee. If they approve, they bring a motion to the 27 member church Board, who appoint another 12 member Review Committee. If they recommend that the Church Board proceed, a resolution is brought to the Congregational Business Meeting. They appoint another member Review Committee. If their report to the next Congregational Business Meeting supports the
changing of a light bulb, and the Congregation votes in favour, the responsibility to carry out the light bulb change is passed on to the Trustee Board, who in turn appoint a 7 member committee to find the best price in new light bulbs. Their recommendation of which hardware store has the best buy must then be reviewed by the 23 member Ethics Committee to make certain that this hardware store has no connection to Disneyland. They report back to the Trustee Board who then
commissions the trustee in charge of the Janitor to ask him to make the change. By then the janitor discovers that one more light bulb has burned out.

ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM A COW
1. Wake up in a happy mooo-d.
2. Don't cry over spilled milk.
3. When chewing your cud, remember: There's no fat, no calories, no cholesterol, and no taste!
4. The grass is green on the other side of the fence.
5. Turn the udder cheek and mooo-ve on.
6. Seize every opportunity and milk it for all its worth!
7. It's better to be seen and not herd.
8. Honor thy fodder and thy mother and all your udder relatives.
9. Never take any bull from anybody.
10. Always let them know who's the bossy.
11. Stepping on cowpies brings good luck.
12. Black and white is always an appropriate fashion statement.
13. Don't forget to cow-nt your blessings every day.

SILLY THOUGHTS [posted on Kitty's Daily Mews. Attributed to Robert G. Lee]

• My "check engine" light came on the other day. I popped the hood, and looked, the engine is

STILL there! Silly light....

• I am in shape. Round is a shape.
• I have to take my paycheck to the bank. It's too small to go by itself.
• I must be following my diet too closely. I keep gaining on it!!
  

HOUSEWIFE TAGLINES
I'm not aging, I just need re-potting.
I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully.
Lord, if I can't be skinny, let all my friends be fat.
My idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the floor with a glance.
I cleaned my house yesterday. Sure wish you could have seen it.
This isn't clutter; these are my antiques!
Discover wildlife! Have kids!
Our policy is to always blame the computer.
Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends.
Take my advice. I'm not using it!
Mom, I'll always love you, but I'll never forgive you for cleaning my face with spit on a hanky.
I love to give homemade gifts... umm, which one of the kids would you like?
By the time you find greener pastures, you can't climb the fence!
This house is protected by killer dust bunnies.
Every time I get the urge to exercise, I lie down till the feeling passes.

Mark Twain once spent a pleasant three weeks in the Maine woods but was now on his way home. As he was making himself comfortable in the train on the way back to New York, a sour-faced New Englander sat down next to him, and the two struck up a conversation. "Been to the woods, have ye?" asked the stranger.
"I have indeed," replied Twain. "And let me tell you something. It may be closed season for fishing up here in Maine, but I have a couple of hundred pounds of the finest rock bass you ever saw iced down in the baggage car. By the way, who are you, sir?"
"I'm the state game warden. Who are you?" was the reply.
Said Twain, "Pleased to meet you. Who am I? Only the biggest liar in these United States."

A man approached a local in a village he was visiting. "What's the quickest way to York?"
The local scratched his head.
"Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger. "I'm driving."
"That's the quickest way!"

TEACHING THE WORM TO SWIM

An old-timer sat on the river bank, obviously awaiting a nibble, though the fishing season had not officially opened. A uniformed officer stood behind him quietly for several minutes. "You the game warden?" the old-timer inquired.
"Yup."
Unruffled, the old man began to move the fishing pole from side to side. Finally, he lifted the line out of the water. Pointing to a minnow wriggling on the end of the line, he said, "Just teaching him how to swim."

Two ardent fishermen met on their vacation and began swapping stories about the different places they had fished, the kind of tackle used, the best bait, and finally about some of the fish they had caught. One of them told of a vicious battle he once had with a 300-pound salmon. The other man listened attentively. He frankly admitted he had never caught anything quite that big. However, he told about the time his hook snagged a lantern from the depths of a lake. The lantern carried a tag proving it was lost back in 1912. But the strangest thing of all was the fact that it was a waterproof lantern and the light was still lit.
For a long time the first man said nothing. Then he took one long deep breath. "I'll tell you what I'll do," he said slowly. "I'll take 200 pounds off my fish, if you'll put out the light in your lantern."

One night a wife found her husband standing over their infant's crib. As she watched him looking down at their very first baby, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said.
"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."

A lady was shopping for a turkey in a grocery store and after pawing through the freezer section and growing dissatisfied with the small ones that were left, she turned to the stock boy and asked snippishly, "Don't these turkeys get any bigger?"
To which he calmly replied, "No ma'am. They're dead!"

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in ate the gate. Security was very
tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.
While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and
said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted.
The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted.
The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of chain link, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing."

WHY DON’T YOU DO THAT?

A couple were standing out in their backyard when they noticed their neighbor pull up in to his drive. He stepped out of the car with flowers in his hand, met his wife at the door and laid a passionate kiss on her. The lady turned to her husband and said, "Why don’t you do that?"

The man replied, "Honey, I hardly know the woman."

NO ONE WILL STEAL HARRY Bits & Pieces 3/3/94 p. 5

A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under an 8 point buck.

"Where’s Harry?" he was asked.

"Harry had a stroke of some kind. He’s a couple of miles back up the trail."

"You left Harry laying there, and carried the deer back?"

"Well," the hunter replied, "I figured no one was going to steal Harry."

1. Only in America.....can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America.....are there handicap-parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America.....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America.....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a diet coke.
5. Only in America.....do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America.....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America.....do we use answering machines to screen calls and have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America.....do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America.....do we use the work 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures.'
10. Only in America.....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America.
For their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One fall night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankees victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond. "Bob is that you?" Earl asked.
"Of course it me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."

BUMPER STICKERS…
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Hang up and drive.
I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told

me all I needed was blinker fluid.
Contrary to popular belief, used-car salesmen are fairly honest with their customers. It's

If all is not lost, where is it?
A man who makes no mistakes usually doesn't make anything!
When your dreams turn to dust, it's time to vacuum
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
The one nice thing about egomaniacs is that they don't go around talking about other

people.
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Anything you lose automatically doubles in value.
I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
I read his mind, and trust me, it was a short story...
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Just who is J.D. Power and how do you get to be one of his associates?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
An elephant is a mouse built to government specifications.
An obstacle is something you see when you take your eyes off the goal.
Those who say they "sleep like a baby" haven't got one.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
If flour is all-purpose, why can't you use it as gasoline?
I float like an anchor and sting like a moth.
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people

around me.
In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
Adults are just kids who owe money.
It's true that you can't judge a book by its cover, but you can tell how much it's going to

cost.
How can you be over the hill, if you never got to the top?

STUPID LETTER

Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a drink, one asked, "What was your most difficult case?" The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years." "What was the result?" "It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him. And then that stupid letter arrived!"

PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSAIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?
KEN STARR
I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the president of the United States of America in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law, For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he cooperates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying
sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook-and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?
LOUIS FARRAKHAN
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
THE BIBLE
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?

From: Jokes.Mailer@MailBits.com[SMTP:Jokes.Mailer@MailBits.com]
Actual Headlines
Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Eye Drops Off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Deer Kill 17,000
Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Maybe you heard about the man who was hired to go and take a census in the hills of east Tennessee. He knocked, and a teen age girl came to the door. The interviewer asked, "Is your mom home?"
She said, "She ran off with a moon shiner."
The man continued, "Is your father home?"
"Nah," she replied, "He Pokes his head in once a month to take a bath."
The frustrated guy said, "How about an older sister?"
She said, "Nope, she's in jail for shooting at a sheriff."
The guy said, "Is your older brother home?"
She said, "Nah, he's at Harvard."
The astonished census taker gasped and said, "Harvard? What's he studying?"
The girl said, "Nothing. They're studyin' him!"

CLEVER INSULTS

The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead
A few clowns short of a circus
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
His belt doesn't go through all the loops
Receiver is off the hook

Too much yardage between the goal posts
He’s not the brightest bulb on the marquee

Three older ladies were discussing the trials of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, "Well, I'm sure glad I don't have that problem, knock on wood." She raps her knuckles on the table, then she, says, "That must be the door, I'll get it."

THE DOG WAS BILINGUAL

A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI. "Well," says the personnel director, "you'll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute." Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute. "Also," says the director, "you must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course." The perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time. "There's one last requirement," the director continues; "you must be bilingual." With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, "Meow!"

Seen on a country road: "Charlie’s Veterinary Service and Taxidermist – either way you’ll get you’re dog back.

Two brothers realized that no one had ever tried to set up a bunjee jump in Mexico and they saw this as an entrepreneurial opportunity to exploit. So, they bought a crane and bunjee materials and crossed the border to set up for business. Soon they had a crowd gathering and they decided to put on an exhibition. One brother set the other into the harness who then jumped off the platform head first.

The man bounced down and came back up – a bruise on his forehead. He went down again and came up with a bloody nose. A 3^rd time he went down and came up with bruises on his chin.

His brother cried out. "Gee, I’m sorry. I should have put the crane up higher!"

"The crane’s high enough," shouted back his brother, "but what’s this thing they call a Piñata?"

QUOTE: Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach him to fish and you get rid of him on weekends.

You’ve heard the expression, "Never speak badly of a man until you have walked a mile in their shoes?" By that time you can say anything you want to, because you’re a mile a way and he can’t chase you because you have his shoes.

THAT’S A MERCEDES LADY

A woman answered the knock at her door and found a destitute man. He wanted to earn money by doing odd jobs, so she asked, "Can you paint?"
"Yes," he said. "I’m a pretty good painter."

"Well, here’s a gallon of green paint and a brush. Go behind the house and you’ll see a porch that needs repainting. Be very careful. When you’re done, I’ll look it over and pay you what it’s worth."

It wasn’t more than an hour before he knocked again. "All finished," he reported with a smile.

"Did you do a good job?" she asked.

"Yes, but lady, there’s one thing I’d like to point out to you. That’s not a Porsche back there. That’s a Mercedes."

"How do you account for your longevity?" asked the reporter on Harvey’s 100^th birthday.

"You might call me a health nut," Harvey replied. "I never smoked. I never drank. I was always in bed and sound asleep by ten o’clock. And I’ve always walked three miles a day, rain or shine."

"But," said the reporter, "I had an uncle who followed that exact routine and died when he was 62. How come it didn’t work for him?"

"All I can say," replied Harvey, "is that he didn’t keep it up long enough."

Dr. Harold C. Urey, Nobel prize winner in Chemistry, was walking along a sidewalk one day when he ran into another professor. They chatted for a few minutes, then, as they parted, Dr. Urey asked the other: "John, which way was I going when I met you?"

"That way," said the other, pointing.

"Oh, good. That means I’ve already had my lunch," muttered the professor as he walked away.

BEST T-SHIRT CONTEST Digest12/98 p.136

Washington Post columnist Bob Levey asked readers to send in their favorite T-shirt sayings of the year (1998). Here’s a sampling:

"I’m not 30, I’m 29.95 plus tax."

"The 2 most common elements in the Universe are Hydrogen and Stupidity"

"You have the right to your Opinions. I just don’t want to hear them"

"I’m on a 30 day diet. So far I’ve lost 15 days"

"When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case Heaven is like the IRS"

"I’m retired, and this is as dressed up as I get"

ANSWERS TO PHONE SALESMEN Mikey’s Funnies@ youthspecialties.com

Here are some suggested comebacks to unsolicited telephone sales calls:

"I’m sorry, but I’m really busy right now. Give me your home # and I’ll call you back later tonight."

In the middle of the caller’s memorized sales pitch, interrupt with: "What causes a hiccup?"

"Shhh. Wait a minute. I’m here robbing the house. Whoa! I think the owners just got home. Can you hold?"

When someone asks whether a spouse is at home: "Yes, but I never allow her to talk to strangers."

When someone asks how you are: "Well, I’m having an existential crisis at the moment. Let me explain…."

"You want to sell me insurance? I’ve been trying to get insurance for years, but nobody will sell me any!"

To a salesperson hawking a rug-cleaning service, whisper: "Do you get goat’s blood out? How about identifiable fibers and DNA stuff?"

Another response to rug cleaners and persons offering home services: (Break into tears and say:) "Is this some kind of joke? My house burned down last night! We lost everything!"

To a phone solicitor: "That sound GREAT! Wait, can you hold a minute? (and leave the phone off the hook till they hang up)

Use your touch tone phone to annoy the caller by playing "Mary had a little lamb":

6546 666 555 666 6545 6666 5565 4444444444

YOU TAKE THE BLACK HORSE - Darwin Lewandowski, quoted by Sam Lowe in Phoenix Gazette

Two good ol’ boys bought a couple of horses that they used to make some money during the summer. But when winter came, the found it cost too much to board them. So they turned the horses loose in a pasture where there was plenty to eat. "How will we tell yours from mine when we pick them up?" one guy asked.

"Easy," replied the second. "We’ll cut the mane off mine and the tail off yours."

By spring, the mane and tail had grown back to normal length.

"Now what are we going to do?" asked the first.

"Why don’t you just take the black one?" said the second. "And I’ll take the white one."

Lost on the back roads in vermont, a tourist collided with a local man at an intersection. He and the local got out to examine their bent fenders.

"Well, don’t look like much," observed the local. "Whyn’t we just take a little pull to steady our nerves." He grabbed a jug from his battered pickup, removed the stopper and handed it to the tourist.

After taking a good slug, the tourist handed the jug back to the local, who banged in the stopper and set the jug back in his truck.

"Aren’t you going to have some?" asked the tourist.

The local shook his head. "Not till after the trooper comes."

A minister and avid hunter purchased a new hunting dog that was billed as a miracle dog. The seller would give no explanation, just stating, "You’ll see."

So the minister took the dog and went hunting. As they walked along the lake he spotted a bird, took aim and shot. The dog took off to retrieve the bird and walked right across the water of the lake. Stunned, the minister now knew the reason the animal was called a miracle dog. He then decided that this dog would be a great way to convert non-believers.

Several days later he took a friend hunting with him, figuring this would convert him. After all, no one could deny this miracle.

As before, the minister took aim, shot a bird and the dog walked across the water to retrieve it. His friend stood silent. The minister decided to try one more time. He took aim, shot and the dog repeated the miracle.

The minister turned to his friend and said, "John, don’t you notice anything unusual about my dog?"

"Sure. He can’t swim."

A cowboy applied for an insurance policy. "Have you ever had any accidents?" asked the agent.

"Nope," replied the applicant, "though a bronc did kick in two of my ribs last summer, and a couple of years ago a rattlesnake bit me on the ankle."

"Wouldn’t you call those accidents?" replied the puzzled agent.

"Naw," the cowboy said, "they did it on purpose!"

WHAT’S THAT AGAIN? The Edifier

These statements were given by children in a Bible class:

"One of the possums was Matthew, who was a taximan."

"The epistles were the wives of the apostles."

"Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark."

"Samson slayed the Philistines with the Axe of the Apostles."

"Moses got the 10 Commandments at Mt. Cyanide."

"King Solomon had 700 wives and 300 porcupines."

"The men who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels."

"Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night."

"A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony."

Two old men are sitting on a park bench in the Danish country side, when a car stops, and the driver politely asks, in German, for assistance. The men shrug and shake their heads. The driver asks again, this time in French. No answer. He asks a third time in English. Still no answer. Frustrated, the man drives away.

After a while, one old-timer says to the other. "I wish I could speak a second language."

"What for?" asks his friend, "That guy spoke three languages, and it didn’t help him."

The speaker stood at the podium and said he had been told many times that the best way to begin a speech was to say something funny.

"You’ll be sure to tell us when you do, won’t you?" shouted a boor from the back of the hall.

The speaker didn’t hesitate. "Of course, I’ll tell you, sir," the speaker said. "The others will know it."

1. If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become cat litter?
2. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

3. When a cow laughs, does milk come out its nose?

4. How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

5. How do they get deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

6. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

7. What is another word for thesaurus?

8. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injection?

9. Why is abbreviation such a long word?

10. Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

11. How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

12. When you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

13. Why is there an expiration date on a sour cream container?

14. What do they use to ship Styrofoam?

15. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

16. If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

17. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

18. Is it true, that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?

19. Why isn't phonetics spelled the way it sounds?

20. Why do we call them apartments when they are attached to one another?

21. Why is a package sent by land carrier called a shipment, while a package sent by ship is called cargo?

22. Why do TV stations report power outages?

23. What hair color do they put on the driver’s license of a bald man?
24. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you’re ahead?"

25. Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

It seems an elderly mountain farmer in a mule-drawn wagon had been involved in an accident with an automobile. Now, he was suing the driver, claiming personal injuries.

"But isn't it true that after the accident," the defense attorney asked, "you said that you never felt better in your life?"

"Well," the claimant began, "that morning I got up, hitched up my mule, and put my hound dog in the wagon and..."

"Give us a yes or no answer to my question," the lawyer interrupted.

At this point the judge stepped in and directed the lawyer to let the farmer have his way in answering the question.

"Well," the farmer began again, "that morning I got up, hitched up my mule, put my hound dog in the back of the wagon, and jest got over the rise of the road when this big car barreled into my rear end. My mule was knocked to one side of the road, my dog to the other and I was pinned under the seat. Directly, a policeman cam along, seen my mule had its leg broke, pulled out his pistol and shot him dead. He went over to my dog, seen it was hurt real bad, and shot it in the head."

"Then," the old man continued, "he came over to me and asked, 'Well, how are you feeling?' and, shore nuff, I said I never felt better in my whole life."

Joe had ordered an expensive suit for a banquet, and the tailor finished alterations just in time. But as Joe left the shop, a sudden rainstorm doused the jacket and shrank one of the sleeves.

"We can't do anything about it today," the tailor told Joe when he returned to the shop. "Just stretch the sleeve over your hand, and no one will notice."

With his arm contorted, Joe left the shop, and again was doused by rain. This time, a pant leg shrank.

"I can't take care of that now!" exclaimed the tailor. "Pull the bottom of pants over your heel, and nobody will notice."

His body twisted, Joe again left the shop. Two women were passing by.

"That poor man!" said on. "I wonder what's wrong with him?"

"I don't know," said the other. "But he sure is wearing a nice suit!"

MY TOWN IS SO SMALL... Coffeebreak Workbook 3/97

My hometown was so small that the movie house was a Photo-Mat.

My town was so small that our zip code was a fraction.

The man was a dog catcher in a very small town and one day lost his job... he caught the dog.

The woman used to spend her time hanging around the small town square.. then she married him.

"If you are an obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are codependent, ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6. If you are paranoid delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we trace the call. If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

Two crews were working for the telephone company putting in telephone poles. At the end of the day, the foreman asked each crew how many poles they had erected that day. The leader of the first crew said "12." "Well, that's pretty good," observed the foreman. Turning to the leader of the 2nd crew he asked them the same question. "Two," he replied. "Two!" exclaimed the foreman. This first group put in 12 poles today and you only put in two??!" "Well, of course," replied the 2nd leader. "Of course, did you see how much the left sticking out of the ground?"

Judge says to accused: "You can challenge any member of the jury." "Well," replied the accused, "I believe I can whip the little guy on the end."

EXPLAIN IT TO YOUR MOTHER Bits and Pieces 10/10/94

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse the umpire. Do you understand all that?"

Again, the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now, go over there and explain it to your mother."

REASON TO TALK R.Digest 4/96 p. 77

A young couple were becoming anxious about their 4 year old son, who had not yet talked. They took him to specialists, but the doctors found nothing wrong with him. Then one morning at breakfast the boy suddenly blurted, "Mom, the toast is burned."

"You talked! You talked!" shouted his mother. "I'm so happy! But why has it taken this long?"

"Well, up till now," said the boy, "things have been okay."

QUOTE: It's tough to climb the ladder of success, especially if you're trying to keep your nose to the grindstone, your shoulder to the wheel, your eye on the ball, and your ear to the ground.

IN CASE SATAN ISN'T RUNNING... Bits and Pieces 9/15/94 p. 16

A candidate for city council was doing some door to door campaigning, and things were going pretty well, he thought, until he came to the house of grouchy looking fellow. After the candidate's little speech, the fellow said, "Vote for you? Why I'd rather vote for the devil!"

"I understand," said the candidate. "But in case your friend is not running, may I count on your support?"

WHOA, PRAISE THE LORD! r.digest 11/95 p. 94

Then there was the preacher who decided to sell his horse. A prospective buyer was impressed with the animal, but the preacher said, "I must warn you-he only responds to 'church talk.' Go is 'Praise the Lord: and stop is 'Hallelujah.'"

"I've worked with horses all my life," said the buyer, "and I've never heard of anything like this." Mounting the horse, he said skeptically, "Praise the Lord." The horse began to trot. He repeated "Praise the Lord" and the horse broke into a gallop. Suddenly the buyer saw a cliff dead ahead. Frantic, he yelled "Hallelujah," and they came to a stop a foot from the edge.

Wiping the sweat from his brow, the buyer said, "Praise the Lord!"

WE SOMETIMES NEED A NEW MONKEY R.Digest 4/94 p. 84

"That's marvelous, having a lion and monkey in the same cage," said the visitor to a small zoo. "How do they get along?"

"Okay, usually," answered the zookeeper. "Occasionally they have a disagreement, and we have to get a new monkey."

CONFUSION IN BASEBALL 1980 Minnesota Twin program

You have two sides, one out in the field and one in.

Each man that's on the side that's in goes out and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out.

When 3 men are out, the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in out.

Sometimes you get men still in and not out.

When both sides have been in and out nine times including the not outs, that's the end of the game.

GOOD NEWS/ BAD NEWS R.Digest 1/91 p.75

An artist asked the gallery owner if anyone had shown interest in his paintings. "I've got good news and bad news," she said. "The good news is that some guy inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after you died. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"And the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor."

BILL COSBY ON "WHEN I WAS A BOY" from Fatherhood

Now that my father is a grandfather, he just can't wait to give money to my kids. But when I was his kid and I asked him for 50 cents, he would tell me the story of his life: how he got up at 4 in the morning when he was 7 years old and walked 23 miles to milk 90 cows. And the farmer for whom he worked had no bucket, so my father had to squirt the milk into his hand and then walk 8 miles to the nearest can... for 5 cents a month.

POEMS ON PROCRASTINATION R.Digest 10/87 p.155

She said procrastination was

The cause of all my sorrow

I don't know what that big word means...

I'll look it up tomorrow. Mary Alice Sherman

I think I can, I think I could,

I think I may, I think I should,

I think I might, I think I will,

I think I better think more still.

WHOSE TOOTHBRUSH? R.Digest 9/87 p.66

One thing is for certain: my brother has timing. One morning when we were young, he came out of the bathroom and asked, "Whose is the pink toothbrush?" My mother answered suspiciously, "Mine, why? Did you drop it in the toilet?" He answered, "Not today... yesterday."

ONLY DEMOCRATS SHOULD DIE R.Digest 4/91 p.77

Henderson lived in a small town and had been a staunch Republican all his life. Now, at 90, his health began to fail. "You've had a full and rewarding life," his doctor said. "Just sit on your porch and enjoy your last days."

One morning, Henderson asked his son to take him to the courthouse downtown so he could change his registration from Republican to Democrat.

"But Dad," protested his the son, "you started this town's Republican Party and attended every function. Why would you want to become a Democrat?"

"Son," replied Henderson, "if someone has to die, it might as well be one of them."

CHEWING ON YOUR EAR R.Digest 4/91 p.79

A man was accused of biting off the ear of another in a brawl. The defense attorney spent the morning challenging the prosecution's main witness. He thought he had destroyed the man's story but couldn't resist one final verbal blow.

"You've admitted that you were not very close to the scene of the alleged crime and that you didn't see my client bite off the ear. How can you possibly testify against him?" the defense attorney demanded.

The witness paused, then smiled and said, "I saw him spit it out."

WHY MOSES WAS LOST 40 YEARS R.Digest 5/91 p.82

Question: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?

Answer: Because, even then, men wouldn't stop and ask for directions.

JESUS SEES YOU Indiana Jr. Hi Convention 1992

A burglar had broken into what he thought was a deserted home. Feeling his way around in the dark, he froze in his tracks when he heard a voice saying: "I see you, and Jesus sees you." He waited in the darkness for more of a clue of where the voice was coming from when he heard "Awk, I see you and Jesus sees you." Realizing it was a parrot and thinking that he had best get rid of it before it raised a racket, he turned on the light. There in the corner of the room was the parrot in its cage and underneath it was the biggest pit bull he had ever seen in his life. The parrot squawked "I see you and Jesus sees you... sic him Jesus."

A PAIN IN THE SIDE - "Homemade" (Pamphlet) 1992

After hearing the story about how God took the rib out of Adam's side, a little boy who had been running and had gotten a side ache told his mother, "I think I'm going to have a wife."

THE NIGHT WATCHMAN R.Digest 10/92, p. 66

"What makes you think you're qualified to be a night watchman?" asked the personnel director.

"Well, for one thing," replied the job applicant, "I'm a real light sleeper."

THE DEATH NOTICE R.Digest 10/92 p. 67

Mrs. Willencot was very frugal. When her husband died, she asked the newspaper how much it would cost for a death notice.

"Two dollars for five words."

"Can I pay for just two words?" she asked. "Willencot dead."

"No, $2 is the minimum. You still have 3 words."

Mrs. Willencot thought a moment. "Cadillac for sale."

SHOOTING IN THE AIR R.Digest 11/92 p. 73

While hunting, Larry and Elmer got lost in the woods. Trying to reassure his friend, Larry said, "Don't worry. All we have to do is shoot into the air 3 times, stay where we are, and someone will find us."

They shot in the air 3 times, but no one came. After a while, they tried again. Still no response. When they decided to try once more, Elmer said, "It better work this time. We're down to our last 3 arrows."

LET'S RUN! R.Digest 2/93 p.57

Walking down the street, a man passes a house and notices a child trying to reach the doorbell. No matter how much the little guy stretches, he can't make it. The man calls out, "Let me get that for you," and he bounds onto the porch to ring the bell.

"Thanks mister," says the kid. "Now let's run."

WHEN DID YOU KNOW IT WAS MISSING? R.Digest 2/93 p.88

After toiling over a 1000 piece puzzle, I was unable to finish it because there was one piece missing. I returned the box to the store and explained why.

The clerk was obviously not a puzzle aficionado. As she refunded my money, she asked pleasantly, "How far did you get before you realized that there was a piece missing?"

GOOD NEWS BAD NEWS - AIR BAGS R.Digest 2/93 p.71

One day, a man came home from work and his wife greeted him. "I've got good news and bad news," she said.

He swallowed hard and said he'd like the good news first.

"The air bag works," she said.

GOLF AND THE WEATHER in The Executive Speechwriter as recorded in The Newsletter Newsletter, May 1993

A weatherman and a minister never missed a Saturday of golf. One weekend, just as they began to play, a thunderstorm broke out. Soaking wet, they retreated to the clubhouse for an hour. Still the rain came down. With no relief in sight, the minister turned to the weatherman and said, "You'd think that between the 2 of us, we could do something."

An Easterner who walked into a Western saloon was amazed to see a dog sitting at a table playing poker with 3 men. "Can that dog really read cards?" he asked.

"Yeah, but he ain't much of a player," said one of the men. "Whenever he gets a good hand he wags his tail."

CHIEF HOG CALLER R.Digest 3/76 p.79

The new minister was invited to join one of the civic luncheon clubs. As the chairman introduced him, he facetiously said that they were appointing him "chief hog caller" for the club.

The minister responded: "Gentlemen, I appreciate the honor you have conferred on me. When I came to this community, I expected to be the shepherd of a flock. But of course, you know your crowd better than I do."

I DON'T KNOW HOW WE'LL GET ALONG R.Digest 2/76 p. 10

The successful businessman told his audience: "The most tactful man I ever knew is the one who fired me from my very first job. He called me in and said, "Son, I don't know how we're ever going to get along without you, but, starting Monday, we're going to try."

WITH 3 YOU GET A BICYCLE R.Digest 2/76 p. 102

The thoughtful traffic judge, having fined a speeder $25, suggested that he get a receipt from the clerk.

"What do you expect me to do with it?" snapped the disgruntled speeder.

"Save it," countered His Honor. "When you get three of them, you get a bicycle."

HOW TO EAT LIKE A CHILD by Delia Ephron R.Digest 6/77 p.71

Peas: Mash into thin sheet on plate. Press back of folk into peas. Hold fork vertically, prongs up, and lick off peas.

Mashed potatoes: Pat mashed potatoes flat on top. Dig several little depressions. Thin of them as ponds or pools. Fill pools with gravy. With your fork, sculpt rivers between pools and watch the gravy flow between them. Decorate with peas. Do not eat.

Alternate method: Make a large hole in center of mashed potatoes. Pour in ketchup. Stir until potatoes turn pink. Eat as you would peas.

Ice cream cone: Ask for double scoop. Knock the top scoop off while walking out door of the ice cream parlor. Cry. Lick remaining scoop slowly so that ice cream melts down outside of the cone and over your hand. Stop licking when ice cream is even with top of cone. Eat a hole in bottom of cone and such the rest of ice cream out the bottom. When only cone remains with ice cream coating the inside, leave on car dashboard.

Spinach: Divide into little piles. Rearrange into new piles. After 5 or 6 maneuvers, sit back and say you are full.

Milk Shake: bite off one end of paper covering straw. Blow through straw to shoot paper across table. Place straw in your mouth, place a finger over top of straw - the pressure will keep shake in straw. Lift straw out of shake, put bottom end in mouth, release finger and swallow. Sip your shake casually... until there is about an inch of shake remaining. Then blow through straw until bubbles rise to top of glass. When your father says he's had just about enough, get a stomachache.

French fries: Wave one fry in air while you talk. Pretend to conduct orchestra. Place 4 fires in mouth at once and chew. Turn to your sister, and stick out tongue coated with potatoes. Close mouth and swallow. Smile.

HAWK, LION AND STINKER R.Digest 6/77 p.78

Three animals of the forest were arguing among themselves as to which of them was the most feared. The 1st, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey had nary a chance. The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength - none in the forest dared challenge him. The 3rd, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any creature.

As the trio debated the issue, a grizzly bear came along and swallowed them all, hawk, lion and stinker.

DON'T MESS WITH THINGS THAT DON'T CONCERN YOU R.Digest 6/77 p.78

There was a young man with a hernia

Who said to his surgeon, "Gol-dernia,"

When carving my middle,

Be sure you don't fiddle,

With matters that do not concernia

OH, IT'S THE SPY YOU WANT R.Digest 1/79 p. 55

A certain foreign embassy in Dublin, which had a reputation for being involved more in undercover work than in diplomacy, dispatched an agent to a County Kerry town with instructions to make contact with the local agent, whose name was Brosnan. On meeting him, he was to utter the secret passwords: "The grass is green and cows are brown," and wait for the correct response before getting down to business.

The agent hurried off to the Kerry town in the guise of a tourist and met a local on the street. "I am looking for a man called Brosnan," he said.

"Which Brosnan would that be?" asked the local. "This town is full of Brosnans. There's Brosnan the grocer and Brosnan the publican and Brosnan the butcher and Brosnan the draper. Sure, my own name is Brosnan."

The man was nonplused, but decided he would have to start somewhere if he was to complete his mission. So, in a low voice, he said, "The grass is green and the cows are brown."

"Oh," said the local, "'tis Brosnan the spy you want."

PIE ARE WHAT? R.Digest 12/77 p.155

Pie are square? No, pie are not square. Pie are round. Cornbread are square.

GARDEN WOES R.Digest 7/79 p.129

Our radishes are puny things;

Our peas and beans are dying;

And as for the potatoes, well,

The things aren't even trying

And that's the way our garden grows -

I tell myself, "Who needs it?"

But down inside, it hurts to have

It bite the hand that weeds it.

JUST ONE MORE TIME R.Digest 5/79 p.144

Shortly after our son had assumed the pastorate of his first church, he and his wife came to visit us one Saturday. I sensed that she was unhappy; not wishing to be a meddlesome mother in law, I pretended not to notice. But as they departed, I heard her say, "All right, we will go by the church and you can practice baptizing me one more time. But remember this - when you have your first funeral, you are not going to practice burying me."

MAKING SHIP DISAPPEAR R.Digest 8/79 p.8

A magician working a cruise ship had a pet parrot who was constantly ruining his act. The bird would say to the audience, "He has the card in his pocket," or the "The card's up his sleeve," or "It went through the hole in his top hat."

One day there was a huge explosion and the ship sank. The parrot and the magician, both dazed and bruised, found themselves together on a piece of wreckage. For 4 days the parrot stared at the magician. Finally, the parrot said, "OK, I give up. What did you do with the ship?"

HORSE DON'T KNOW NOTHING ABOUT CARBURETORS R.Digest 7/76 p.90

A city man's car broke down while he was driving through ranch country. As he was puttering around under the hood, he heard a deep voice: "It's the carburetor." The man looked around and the only thing in sight was an old white horse standing at a nearby fence. "What did you say?" the man gasped.

"I said it's in the carburetor," replied the horse.

Terrified, the man fled down the road on foot. He staggered into a country gas station and poured out his story to a couple of old timers who were playing checkers. "Wait a minute, son," said one of the men. "Was this about two miles out, on the south side of the road?"

The man nodded.

"A bony old white horse, with a bobtail?"

"Yes, that's the one," he panted.

The two old timers chuckled, looked at each other knowingly and nodded their heads. "Son," one of them said, "don't pay no attention to him at all. That horse don't know nuthin' about carburetors."

Letter from camp: "Dear Mom and Dad: What is an epidemic? Love, Junior."

WHAT'S YOUR POSITION R.Digest 11/75 p. 135

The skipper of a sinking boat out of Chesapeake Bay radioed for help. "We're on our way," replied the Coast Guard. "What is your position? Repeat, what is your position?"

"I'm executive vice president of the 1st National Bank," answered the yachtsman. "Please hurry."

NOPE, FOUND ONE From SE Christian Church Leadership Conference 3/94

Man drove up to a Kentucky gas station. Observing a hillbilly leaning back lazily against the gas pump with a corn cob pipe, straw hat and with only one shoe on, he inquired "Lost a shoe?" "Nope, found one."

Back in the days when Doctors still made house calls, a backwoods couple called on their Doctor to come quickly because the wife about to give birth. When the Doctor arrived, he and the husband went into the bedroom and in response to the husband's desire to help, he said, "Hold that lantern up high so I can see better.

The husband held the lantern high and the child was soon born. Leaning over to get a closer look, he heard the Doc say, "hold that thing up, there's another one coming out." And sure enough, another child was born.

Again leaning over to share in this joyful event, he heard the Doc say again, "hold that light up there, here comes another one."

After the third birth, the farmer remarked in amazement, "Do you reckon its the light that's attracting 'em?"

-Nothing is as easy as it looks; everything takes longer than you think; if anything can go wrong it will.

-A day without a crisis is a total loss.

-The other line always moves faster.

-The chance of the bread falling with the peanut butter and jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

-Inside every large problem is a series of small problems struggling to get out.

-90% of everything is crud.

-No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after you've bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.

-Any tool dropped while repairing a car, will roll underneath to the exact center of the vehicle.

-The repairman will never have seen a model like yours before.

-You will remember that you forgot to take out the trash when the garbage truck is two doors away.

-Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.

-The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train.

Three congregations in town, (Methodist Baptist and Jewish) decided to go together to purchase and share the use of bus. They determined that they would each take their turn in having the vehicle dedicated by their congregations. The Methodists had it first and they sprinkled water on its hood. Next the Baptists took the bus and drove it down into the water of nearby stream and pronounced it dedicated for their use. Then the Jewish rabbi had his people hoist the bus up on blocks and they cut off 3 inches of its tail pipe.

After the fall in the garden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain & Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the two asked, "What's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home.

WHY FIRE TRUCKS ARE RED - THE PLEASANT VIEWER Aug. 8, 94

Do you know why fire trucks are red? Well, fire trucks are red because they have four wheels and eight men. Four and eight are twelve. Twelve inches is a foot, and a foot is a ruler. Queen Elizabeth is a ruler and the ship the Queen Elizabeth is the largest of the seven seas. The seas have fish and the fish have fins. The fins fought the Russians and the Russians are red. Fire trucks are always Rushin, therefore fire trucks are red.

AIN'T RUN OUT OF NAMES YET R.Digest 3/94 p. 59

Back in the hills, a census taker stopped at a house and asked the woman how many people lived there.

"Well, let's see," she says. "There's me and Pa. There's Billy Bob, Sissy, the twins - Ricky and Micky, and there's Tommy and..."

"Hold on," interrupted the census taker. "I don't need names - just numbers.

"We don't use numbers," said the woman. "We ain't run out of names yet!"

I'D RATHER HAVE JESUS Gary Johnson Spring '94 Revival

A young man was sitting beside his girl in church one Sunday and his intentions were more upon her than upon the message. Leafing through his hymnal till he found what he wanted, he placed it in her lap and pointed to the hymn: "I need thee every hour."

She took the hymnal and searched until she found the appropriate hymn to respond: "I'd rather have Jesus."

An old country doctor had just finished delivering the farm family's tenth baby in ten years. He was aware that the mother's health wasn't too good. As he sat sipping a cup of coffee in the kitchen the father came up to him. "You know, doctor," he said, "We've had so many kids that we've plumb run out of names. I sure don't know what to call this'un." "If I were you," said the doctor thoughtfully, "I'd call it quits."

NOT A NORMAL BIRTH FOR 3 GENERATIONS Howard G. Hendricks, "Heaven Help the Home"

A little boy asked his mother where he came from, and also where she had come from as a baby. His mother gave him a tall tale about a beautiful white-feathered bird. The boy ran into the next room and asked his grandmother the same question, and received a variation on the bird story. He then scampered outside to his playmate with the comment, "You know, there hasn't been a normal birth in our family for 3 generations!"

A husband gave his wife a beautiful skunk coat beside a Christmas tree. When his wife opened it up she said, "I can't see how such a nice coat can come from such a foul smelling little beast." The husband said, "I don't ask for thanks, but I do demand respect."

As sometimes happens to beginners, Ed and Fred caught more fish on their first time out than some do in a lifetime. Before heading back to the boat rental, they talked about trying to mark the place of their good fortune. They assumed that if they could find this "hot spot" again they would be able to relive their success. So as Fred pulled up the anchor, Ed pulled out a jackknife and carved a notch in the boat at the exact place they had been casting their lines. When Fred looked over and saw Ed marking the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes. "Don't be stupid, Ed!" he growled. "That won't do any good. What if we get a different boat?"

A scientist decided it would be great fun to switch places with his chauffeur for a special celebration he was to speak at. The chauffeur expressed doubt until the scientist assured him that all he needed to do was to read the prepared text and that no one would know the difference.

All went well until after the speech when a student at the local university stood up and asked a long complicated question.

The chauffeur paused for a couple of moments and then responded: "You're a college student studying this field of endeavor any you don't know the answer to this question. Why it's so simple even my chauffeur could answer that.

KISSING HAND AND PUNCHING OUT LIEUTENANT SE Christian Conference 96

On a railroad trip, three passengers were in a tightly packed car together - an army lieutenant, a buck private, and a beautiful woman. As the train went through a long dark tunnel there was the sound of loud kiss followed by the crack of slap across the face. When at last the train came out of the tunnel, the lieutenant was nursing his jaw and looking sheepish.

The lieutenant thought to himself, "Wouldn't you know it, that private kissed the girl & I got hit."

The girl looked at the lieutenant and thought "My that must be embarrassing, that lieutenant must have kissed the private by mistake and slapped by him."

The private grinned to himself "This is great! Where else but in America could a private kiss the back of his hand and get to punch out a lieutenant?"