HOW OLD ARE YOU?

Grandpa, were you on Noah’s ark?

"Why no, son."

A long Pause... "Well, Grandpa, how come you didn’t drown?

(age2) QUOTE: I'm not retired, I'm refired. I'm not gonna ease up, let up, shut up or give up. As a matter of fact. I'm just getting warmed up. - Zig Ziglar at 78

QUOTES WORTH REQUOTING

Don't let anyone tell you you're getting old.  Squash their toes with your rocker.

Some people try to turn back their odometers ...  not me ...  I want people to know why I look like this.  I've traveled a long way and some of the roads were NOT paved.

Maturity means being emotionally and mentally healthy.  It is that time when you know when to say yes, when to say no, and when to say WHOOPEE!

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

I WANT TO BE A KID AGAIN. 

I want to go back to the time when............

* Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."

* Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over!"

* "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.

* Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly."

* Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.

* It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.

* Being old referred to anyone over 20.

* The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.

* It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb.

* It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasn't an Olympic event.

* Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot 

HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE? Pastor Tim's CleanLaugh List

My youngest son asked me how old I was. I answered, "39 and holding."

He thought for a moment and then asked, "And how old would you be if you let go?"

READ THE OBITS - poem by Christine Taylor

I get up each morning, dust off my wits

Pick up the paper and read the obits

If my name is missing, I know I'm not dead;

So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.

PEOPLE BORN IN 1983

Just in case you weren't feeling old enough today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the Faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshman. Here is this year's list:
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1983.
They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and probably did not know he had ever been shot.
  They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
There has been only one Pope in their lifetime.
  They were 10 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War.
  They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
   Tianamen Square means nothing to them.
   Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.
   The statement "You sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.
  They have never owned a record player.
   They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.
   They may have never heard of an 8 track. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.
   They have always had an answering machine.
   Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black and white TV.
   They have always had cable.
  There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA was.
   They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
  They don't know what a cloth baby diaper is, or know about the "Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up" commercial.
   Feeling old Yet? There's more:
  They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.
   Roller skating has always meant inline for them.
M ichael Jackson has always been white.
   Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
   They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
   Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
   They have never seen Larry Bird play.
   They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
   The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as W.W.I, W.W.II and the Civil War.
   They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran .
   They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
   They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. (The correct answer, by the way, is Ork)
  They never heard: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel," or "De plane, de plane!"
  They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. was.
   Kansas , Chicago , Boston , America , and Alabama are places, not bands.
  There has always been MTV.
   They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

YOU'RE NOT A KID WHEN…

According to Jeff Foxworthy,
You're not a kid anymore WHEN...
You quit trying to hold in your stomach, no matter who walks into the room.
You enjoy watching the news.
The phone rings and you hope its not for you.
The only reason you're still awake at 4 am is indigestion.
People ask what color your hair USED to be.
You're proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age AND isn't breaking any laws.
You start singing along with the elevator music.
You really do want a new washing machine for your birthday.
Your car has four doors.
You routinely check the oil in your car.
You've owned clothes so long that they've come back into style--TWICE.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
8 AM is your idea of "sleeping in".
You don't remember when you got that mole...or the one next to it.
You write thank you notes without being told.
Neighbors borrow your tools.
You answer a question with "Because I said so!"
Others ask for your recipes.
You start Christmas shopping in August.
You paint walls for a reason other than getting your deposit back.
You don't like to drive after dark.
You say the words "Turn that music down!"
You wear black socks with sandals.
You can live without sex but not without your glasses.
You point out what buildings used to be where.
You know all the warning signs of a heart attack.
You rake the yard without being told to.
You can't remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch television.
The service station attendant lets you pump your gas before paying.

QUOTE: I'm very pleased with each advancing year. It stems back to when I was forty. I was a bit upset about reaching that milestone, but an older friend consoled me. 'Don't complain about growing old - many, many people do not have that privilege.' - Earl Warren, Chief Justice

JESUS LOVES ME!

Jesus loves me, this I know,

Though my hair is white as snow.

Though my sight is growing dim,

Still He bids me trust in him.

   (CHORUS)

   YES, JESUS LOVES ME... YES, JESUS LOVES ME...

   YES. JESUS LOVES ME FOR THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.

Though my steps are oh, so slow,

With my hand in his I'll go.

On through life, let come what may,

He'll be there to lead the way.

  (CHORUS)

Though I am no longer young,

I have much which He's begun.

Let me serve Christ with a smile,

Go with other's the extra mile.

   (CHORUS)

When the nights are dark and long,

In my heart He puts a song.

Telling me in words so clear,

"Have no fear, for I am near."

  (CHORUS)

When my work on earth is done,

And life's victories have been won.

He will take me home above,

Then I'll understand his love

  (CHORUS)

I love Jesus, does he know?

Have I ever told Him so?

Jesus loves to hear me say,

That I love him every day.

QUOTE: "Old age is fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes

QUOTE: If you take all the experience and judgment of men over 50 out of the world, there wouldn't be enough left to run it. - Henry Ford.

THE TOOTH FAIRY AND DENTURES

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers, and wheelchairs.  One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.  As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

THINGS CHANGE WITH TIME by Alan Smith
Here are some new concerns for the "Boomer generation":
  Then: Long hair
  Now: Longing for hair

  Then: Acid rock
  Now: Acid reflux

  Then: Moving to California because it's cool
  Now: Moving to California because it's warm

  Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
  Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

  Then: Worrying about no one coming to your party
  Now: Worrying about no one coming to your funeral

  Then: Rolling Stones
  Now: Kidney stones

  Then: Passing the driving test
  Now: Passing the vision test

  Then: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
  Now: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

  Then: Disco
  Now: Costco

  Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint
  Now: Getting a new hip joint

AAADD Bonney Oelschlager CF&G Office Manager

I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it goes...
I decide to do work on the car, start to the garage and notice the mail on the table. OK, I'm going to work on the car... BUT FIRST I'm going to go through the mail. Lay car keys down on desk. After discarding the junk mail, I notice the trash can is full. OK, I'll just put the bills on my
desk.... BUT FIRST I'll take the trash out, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox, I'll address a few bills...Yes, Now where is the checkbook? Oops.. there's only one check left. Where did I put the extra checks?
Oh, there is my empty plastic cup from last night on my desk. I'm going to look for those checks... BUT FIRST I need to put the cup back in the kitchen. I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice the flowers need a drink of water, I put the cup on the counter and there's my extra pair of glasses on the kitchen counter. What are they doing here? I'll just put them away...
BUT FIRST need to water those plants. I head for the door and... Aaaagh! someone left the TV remote on the wrong spot. Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the plants... BUT FIRST I need to find those checks. END OF DAY: Oil in car not changed, bills still unpaid, cup still in the sink, checkbook still has only one check left, lost my car keys, .. And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because... I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY! I realize this condition is serious... I'd get help... BUT FIRST...I think I'll check my e-mail.

CITY SLICKER ADVICE

QUOTE: Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough. Groucho Marx

YOUTH IS NOT A TIME OF LIFE Dr. L.F. Phelan Bits & Pieces 1/7/93

Youth is not a time of life, it is a state of mind. People grow old only by deserting their ideals and by outgrowing the consciousness of youth. Years wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. You are as old as your doubts, your fears and your despair. The way to keep young is to keep your faith young, your self-confidence young, and your hope young.

A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, "I'm a walking economy."
His friend replies, "How's that?"
"It's like this: My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression."

IF YOU WERE A BASEBALL CARD (Bits & Pieces 5/26/94)

A little boy asked his grandmother what year she was born. She replied: "1924"

"Wow!" the boy exclaimed, "if you were a baseball card, you’d be worth lots of money."

A young stockbroker was trying to persuade an elderly lady to buy a new stock on the market.

"This stock will triple your investment in just three years," he said.

"Sonny boy," she replied. "I’m 93 years old. At my age I don’t even buy green bananas."

YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLD WHEN... Saturday Evening Post - Sept/Oct 97

1. You burn the midnight oil at 9pm

2. Your favorite part of the newspaper is 25 years ago today...

3. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

4. You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

5. The best part of the day is over when the alarm goes off.

6. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work

7. The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals

8. You knees buckle, but your belt won't.

9. You sink your teeth in a steak and they stay there.

10. Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl go by.

11. You walk with your head held high trying to get used to your bifocals.

12. Your children begin to look middle aged.

13. You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 96 around the golf course.

14. You feel like the night before - and you haven’t been anywhere.

15. You finally reach the top of the ladder, only to find it leaning against the wrong wall.

16. You decide to procrastinate, but then you never get around to it.

17. You look forward to a dull evening.

18. You just can’t stand people being intolerant.

19. A fortune teller offers to read your face.

20. Your back goes out more than you do.

STILL GOOD AT 70 Bits and Pieces 3/2/95 Vol. M No. 15

There's nothing like self confidence. Larry King tells this story about baseball great Ty Cobb. When Cobb was 70, a reporter asked him, "What do you think you'd hit if you were playing these days?"

Cobb, who was a lifetime .367 hitter, said, "about .290, maybe .300."

The reporter said, "that's because of the travel, the night games, the artificial turf, and all the new pitches like the slider, right?"

"No," responded Cobb, "It's because I'm 70.

QUOTE: Then there was the aged man who put braces on his false teeth so he'd look younger.

Stay young by taking inspiration from the young in spirit who remained creative all their lives: Goethe completed "Faust" at age 80; Titian painted masterpieces at 98; Toscanini conducted at 85; Justice Holmes wrote Supreme Court decisions at 90; Edison was busy in his laboratory at 84; and Benjamin Franklin helped frame the Constitution at 80.

MAGNIFYING ACCEPTANCE Guidepost 1/94 p. 5 Marianne Harrison, Greenwich, CT My friend Evelyn strained excitedly to see the pictures of my son's wedding. She held her magnifier up and brought each photograph close to her face. Despite the travails of her 90 years, Evelyn was lively and full of fun. I wished I knew her secret.

I'd been feeling down all day. That morning, a salesclerk had asked if I was a senior citizen. I wasn't - quite - and I couldn't accept that my age was starting to show. I worked so hard at looking young. But how could I explain my problem to this perky 90 year old friend?

"Does the magnifier help?" I asked Evelyn.

The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away," she said, smiling.

"But what did he give you when he took away your sight?"

"Acceptance," she said triumphantly.

Remember Old Folks are worth a fortune, with silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, and gas in their stomachs.

I have become a little older since I saw you last and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become quite a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen every day. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here, he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. he doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life.

P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking about the hereafter. I told him, oh, I do all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself, "Now, what am I here after?" -- Reprinted from Village Meadows Gazette

Birthday this year? Maybe you can identify with the writer of this little ditty:

I like my new bifocals

My dentures fit just fine

I have my hearing aid turned up

But Lord, how I miss my mind.

The late General Douglas MacArthur wrote something very profound about aging on his 75th birthday:

In the central place of every heart there is a recording chamber; so long as it receives messages of beauty, hope, cheer, and courage, so long are you young. When the wires are all down and your heart is covered with the snows of pessimism and the ice of cynicism, then, and then only are you grown old.

IT'S WHAT YOU DO, NOT WHEN YOU DO IT From a United Technologies Ad

Ted Williams, at age 42, slammed a home run in his last official time at bat.

Mickey Mantle, age 20, hit 23 home runs his first full year in the major leagues.

Golda Meir was 71 when she became prime minister of Israel.

William Pitt II was 24 when he became prime minister of Great Britain.

George Bernard Shaw was 94 when one of his plays was first produced.

Mozart was just 7 when his first composition was published.

Now how about this? Benjamin Franklin was a newspaper columnist at 16, and a framer of the United States Constitution when he was 81.

--- Age has little to do with ability.

BIOLOGICAL CLOCK? R.Digest 7/82 p.31

A 75 yr. old transplanted kidney is making medical history. At a meeting of the American College of Surgeons, Dr. Carolyn B. Coulam of the Mayo Clinic reported that a Minnesota woman who received a kidney from her mother in 1969 has since had 2 children... and the aging kidney has undergone a remarkable rejuvenation.

This... tends to support the theory that aging is a result of outside factors working on body tissues, rather than the other major aging theory, which holds that cells have an inherited biological clock that causes them to age regardless of their environment.

AGE IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT from "The Book of Ages" by Desmond Morris

3) The earliest age at which precocious genius surfaces. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart is playing the harpsichord and memorizes passages by listening to them once.

7) Frederic Chopin composes "Pollonaise in G Minor.

10) Thomas Edison sets up laboratory in father's basement.

15) Chicagoan Bobby Fischer becomes youngest ever International Grand Master of chess.

21) Jane Austen begins her first "Pride and Prejudice"

22) Helen Keller publishes her autobiography

50) Henry Ford introduces "moving assembly line" leading to 1st mass production of inexpensive automobiles

53) Margaret Thatcher becomes Britain's first female prime minister.

65) Winston Churchill becomes British prime minister for first time.

75) Ed Delano of California bicycles 3100 miles in 33 1/2 days.

81) Benjamin Franklin makes possible adoption of U.S. Constitution by skillful mediation among disagreeing convention delegates.

88) Cellist Pablo Casals is still giving concerts, 8 years before his death at 96.

96) George C. Selbach scores a 110 yard hole in one at Indian river, Michigan.

WONDER AT AGE R.Digest 2/93 p.83

Children touring a retirement home were asked by a resident if they had any questions. "yes," one girl said. "How old are you?"

"I'm 98," she replied proudly.

Clearly impressed, the child's eyes grew wide with wonder. "Did you start at one?